Someone May Have Won a DSU Election

This week, reports have emerged that the DSU held an election and there are rumours that some people may have won. Although these reports are very much unconfirmed, fears that students have been coerced into running for election are distinctly at the forefront of many people’s minds. Although none of the candidates or winners are known, some people have reported seeing posters scattered amongst dining halls and JCRs begging for students to vote for the candidates’ release from the DSU underground election prison where it is believed they have been kept for several months with very little food or water.

Rumours have circulating amongst colleges that the ‘elections’ were held at some point last week however no one is sure of the winner or more significantly, what has become of the other candidates. Even more frighteningly, a Flipside survey of the entire student body has revealed that over 40 students voted in total within the mysterious election itself which has prompted outrage and widespread panic across the whole university.

Whilst we must stress that these reports are yet to be confirmed by the DSU, these statistics are surely shocking. The Flipside survey indicates that approximately 0.08% of students voted in the ‘election’ and that 100% of this consisted of those who were forced to run or those already locked within the DSU. When asked to comment on these figures, an anonymous student answered: ‘What is the DSU? Who are these people?’ with a second student asking, ‘what election?’.

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