Sex is an absolute mess.
I don’t think anyone knew what they were doing the first time they had sex. Nor do I think that people who have had a lot of experience in regards to sex have been a hundred percent sure of every aspect, every position- every single time.
In my opinion, there is way too much emphasis and pressure placed on sex in our society – how, where and who are ‘doing it?’ I would not mind as much if people came back with more good experiences but barely anyone even wants to discuss sex. This has always blown (Pardon the pun!) my mind because how, if you were planning on having sex again, can you build upon those bad experiences and make them better? Sex is communication, sex is connection and sex is (and should always be, above all else) fun!
Let me quickly do a PSA – Do not be afraid to vocalise what you want! At the end of the day, you both want the same thing. Sometimes telling your partner what to do is not a bad thing! Especially when it is done tactfully, for instance ‘OMG, that feels so good, keep going…. Just a little bit to the left… oh yeah.’ I know that was awkward to read but trust that you will be thanking me for it later. Be confident in what you like because confidence is sexy for all genders. I have never heard anyone say that confidence was a real ‘turn off’ in the bedroom. While we are on the topic of confidence, I am at my sexiest when I am confident because I have put on nice underwear or a nice outfit and I just know I look amazing. Whatever it is, confidence comes from within and whether you have to fake it till you make it in the ‘confidence department’, you will get there.
In addition to confidence, mutual respect is a huge part of sex and just all relationships in general. Regardless of whether you’re having sex in a relationship or whether you’re just having casual sex, sex in itself is still intimate; a fact seemingly forgotten by many people in our generation. When I say intimacy, it’s not just the physical intimacy, but also emotional intimacy. I am in no way depicting casual sex in a negative light, nor am I saying that you should never under any circumstance tell your mates about ‘getting laid’. What I meant is that I believe there should be a certain degree of respect for your partner in regards to that encounter. Out of respect for your partner and yourself, you shouldn’t go into extreme detail about your sexual experience. No one benefits from this. If anything, this reflects more on you as a person than your partner. Speaking from personal experience, I found it quite upsetting that a friend slept with quite a high profile member of the Student body then proceeded to tell everyone how psychopathic he was and how small of a dick he had. Actions as such are not only disrespectful but also immature.
On a more positive note, another thing that continuously baffles me is that masturbation is seem as ‘taboo’, especially in regards to women. The question is-Why should it be? For people who identify as men ‘wanking’ (as crude as term as it is) is openly recognised as healthy! (As long as they don’t overdo it.) A woman’s orgasm is so much more complex than a man’s (sorry boys!) so if you don’t know how to make yourself orgasm, how will you confidently guide someone else to make you orgasm. A bit of ‘self love’ is not something to shy away from. Be a bit experimental; see what works for you.
Also please educate yourself!
This applies to all genders! There are so many different kinks and toys out there to ‘play’ with. I am not saying that a butt plug is going to be everyone’s cup of tea but personally I would rather not be taken by surprise if my partner ever wanted to use one. Besides, it is kind of nice to be your friendship group’s go to for advice when they need some help around the topic of sex. Trust me, explaining to a group of boys that a rabbit vibrator is a sex toy and that Kegels help with pelvic floor exercises was one of the many highlights of my years in sixth form. Similarly, lads, don’t be afraid to try sex toys for boys! Admittedly, there are fewer to choose from but still – no excuse!
On the other end of the spectrum, for those out there that are choosing to abstain from sex for whatever reason, that too is awesome! Sex is the complete autonomy over our bodies so you get to choose. Remember what I said at the beginning, sex is about communication and connection but those things can be equally ‘sexy’ without the sex. Feeling sexy or confident is never a bad thing! Please do educate yourself on what is ‘out there.’ When and if you do eventually have sex, I promise you will feel more confident for being a bit more in the know.
Finally, you do not have to do anything I have recommended here. The takeaway should be that sex is physically and emotionally messy the majority of the time. All I am trying to encourage is confidence, expression and within that the ability to explore what form sex will take and what it actually means to you, as an individual. Just let loose and have fun!