Whilst I usually try to upload (hopefully) appealing recipes and food recommendations, this article will be focusing on the exact opposite. It is easy to show the ideal side of cooking, but this is not reality. As you likely already know and will soon see, with a student kitchen and a limited budget, not every meal can be perfect.
Tomatoes on toast
This meal was a new low. It was the 30th of September 2023, and I had just moved into Butler college to start first year. Homesick, a nervous wreck and unable to stomach any real food, I decided a simple meal like tomatoes on toast would do the trick. Spoiler alert – it did not.
Burnt pie
You would think a premade pie would be fairly simple. Apparently not for me. Let me set the scene.
Day 1: it’s the start of second year. My mother, emotionally vulnerable at the prospect of me growing up and leaving home, decided to treat me to a Tesco’s Finest steak pie. The first night I tried to cook the pie, the oven was broken. (it was in fact not broken; I just did not realise how to turn it on properly). Never mind. I was determined to make the most of this pie before its sell-by date.
Day 2: the fridge has condensed, and everything is soaking wet. The pie, which was once in a neatly packaged cardboard box, now roams in a somewhat soggy, disintegrating container.
Day 3: after having resurrected the pie and moving it to a safe location, I decide it is time to try and cook it. I confidently place it in the oven, which I have now been taught how to use, and go off to sort some other mundane tasks in the meantime. Assuming this oven would be weak and old like the one in my previous accommodation, I take a somewhat carefree attitude in terms of timings. 30 minutes later, I return to the kitchen, very excited to finally enjoy my Tesco’s Finest pie. I had forgotten to use the fan setting on the oven…I’ll let you fill in the rest of the gaps.
Scrambled eggs with spinach and courgette
For some reason I thought I was an influencer chef and decided to whip up a bit of brunch for myself. Again, this was at the start of term – perhaps that is a reoccurring theme? Sometimes it takes a while to get back into cooking, it certainly took me a while to work out how to use the oven. Anyway, as you can probably tell from the photo, the scrambled egg idea was not one of my best moments. It was quite literally just scrambled eggs with undercooked veg.
Mascarpone Pasta
Having invested in a pot of mascarpone sauce from Tesco’s, I decided to make some pasta. My creative energies must have been running low that evening, as I decided to only add chopped tomatoes – nothing else. Moreover, I picked the wrong pasta shape (it really does make a difference).
‘Italian’ Bread
I don’t think I’ve ever been so humbled before in my life. This was essentially just a piece of plain focaccia from Tesco, drenched with oil, and heated in the microwave with tomatoes and cheese. -10000/10, would not recommend.
Curry
This dish was not one that I made, however it remains engrained in my mind. It’s the 11th of March 2024, at Josephine Butler College. I wake up slightly late, making the most of having a day of no classes. Absent mindedly, I head to the kitchen, ready to prepare breakfast. I open the fridge, to something that can only be described as diabolical. Curry. EVERYWHERE. How does that even happen? And all over my shelf! At this point, Durham life was starting to feel like simulation – this moment was the final straw that confirmed such theories.
Guess what? This article is part of a series of three! Make sure to come back later – hopefully my shame of failed foods can bring some sort of entertainment.