At the Dentist’s

corridor smells of sweat, i look at the receptionist.

do you pay for your treatment?? she says

I don’t know.

Do you get any…benefits

No,

That’ll be 18.50

She waits, looking at me.

I get my wallet out

Oh you don’t have to pay now

reading Now magazine

KATE’S AWKWARD OZ DRESS SLIP

LOVE RAT ROGER CALLED OUT BY LIVID KIMBERLEY

TOP-BOD ABBY REVEALS HOW SHE GOT THAT THIGH GAP

sandra lee bartky said some interesting things about discipline and the body

‘morris?’

yep

A family comes in as I return Now magazine to the pile

watch and learn kids

you at UNITHEN says my dentist

ye

WHEREYOUAT

durham

MYDAUGHTERSATNEWCASTLE AWWWWWW

you look 30

yeah it’s nice the north east isn’t it

YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWW

SHE LOOOOOVES IT

YOU GO ON MANY NIGHTS OUT THEN HA HA

yeah not really

NEWCASTLE’s PARTY CITY!!!!!11

hum

OK LET ME HAVE A LOOK THEN

iiiit’s seventeenminutes past oneee on BBC radio 1

she stabs me in the gum with her hook and mirror

Round the back, picking away

I suffer a granite-handed chin adjustment

Up the top, slicing

WHEN I MET YOU IN THE SUMMER de duh de duh de duh

I feel like Charlie Brooker when he goes outside

She removes her instruments having announced each cleared tooth sector with a zero to her assistant.

I close my gob and interlock my fingers on my chest. I give myself a wink. Ne’er shall a filling be seen in this pretty mouth.

OK JUST BITE DOWN ON THIS PLEASE

She puts something in me that I can’t see, made of material not suited to the action she requires

I hold back choking

Her assistant operates a machine to my left and the dentist herself goes to the door, opens the door, reveals me, on my back, my mouth full, my hands crossed on my belly like a pampered free-range pig, on the point of realising that the legs are tied and the sticking blade is falling, to another family with nine year old children coming through the front door.

Welcome to the dentist’s, boys and girls

The dentist presses a button related to me that for some reason is outside in the corridor

OK – YOU’RE GOING TO NEED TWO FILLINGS

A warm shock of mustard heat hauched over Mr Bloom’s heart. My heart then fell to my feet, &c. &c.

She tells her assistant: Next time, LLR 7D and LLR 8M, I’ll do them myself, along with a scale and polish, I’ll do that first.

scale and polish ? scale? scaling my tooth? like a fish? scraping off the scales?

YOU DRINK A LOT OF FIZZY DRINKS YEAH, LOTS OF FRUIT JUICE YEAH NOD NOD NOD

no, never.

She smiles. She thinks I am a moron

I help her out

I do eat quite a bit of chocolate

YEAH THAT’LL BE IT THEN YEAH.

STOP THAT.

RUINS YOUR TEETH

I return to the gagging receptionist and slump onto the counter.

my body is falling apart my dear

Unravelling like a caught jumper

Rattling like an old tin can

I pay £18.50 and all the children in the North West peer down the corridor at my receding back as I pull myself to the door.

For time is like a fashionable host

That slightly shakes his parting guest by the hand,

And with his arms outstretch’d, as he would fly,

Grasps in the comer: welcome ever smiles,

And farewell goes out sighing.

Aged 20 and 1/12th (For Sue Townsend)

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