In this series of how to guides I, Kim Kardashian-West, will teach you the ways of the modern celebrity. Consider me a Yoda to your Luke Skywalker, but never forget that I will not die and you will never, ever be more famous or better than me.
STEPS 1–11: PREPARATION
1. Birth: The first of your many encounters with a vagina on the road of celebrity success.
2. Puberty: Remember if you think about growing boobs; you will grow boobs. Use your brain for what it’s for: forcing the growth of body parts.
3. Become Famous: I did this through a sex tape – fun and great exercise! Utilise social media – try snapchat and build up from there!
4. Selfies: It’s important that people know your face and not just your front bottom, so make sure there’s a variety on your feed.
5. Photoshop: Now obscure all your instagrams with photoshop so your body appears distorted and looks impossible to achieve
6. Lie: Never say you use photoshop even when the background has become warped from all the photoshop.
7. Buy some family members: Make they are uglier than you (see 8.1)
8. E!: Create a personality and develop a nasally voice ripe for television
9. Marriage: Marry anyone you know on television
10. Divorce: Divorce anyone you know on television. (Repeat as necessary)
11. Children: Have a child and give it a silly name that seems meaningful but actually proves an absence of basic education.
STEPS 12 – 19: BREAKING THE INTERNET
12. Arty Photoshoot: Organise an art photoshoot – preferably one that makes advantage of any physical traits you are particularly known for (see 2)
13. Clothes: Wear some stunning clothes, which are probably very expensive
14. Ruin the Clothes: Preferably with some expensive liquid – printer ink would probably be okay.
15. Johnson’s Baby Oil: Oil. That. Bum
16. Drop Everything: Who needs clothes – bare it all.
17. Publish: Send it to Buzzfeed.
18. Check the Internet: Is it broken? Does Tinder still work?
19. Things to try if the Internet is not broken
– Show your insides
– Use either (or even both) #TeamIsrael or #TeamPalestine
– Try and be more like Beyonce
– Get friendly with the Head of Anonymous