Why toddlers should be smoking crack

This week’s editorial will be spent advocating a new programme that will significantly improve everyone’s quality of life; namely the active distribution of crack cocaine to small children. Here are some reasons you should consider implementing this policy:

They are ridiculously entertaining

Have you ever seen a toddler on crack? No? Instead of trying to describe the magnificent sight in words, we will simply challenge you to answer the question: How could a cracked out toddler not be hilarious? If you, dear reader, do not find delight in that prospect, you are without a doubt a soulless, sullen and cantankerous old fart who should leave this site now and never come back. Begone with you.

They can look after themselves

I’m not sure to what extent our readership has experimented with crack cocaine (you should give it a go, there’s always the chance that the resulting high will actually make people think this site is funny), but trust the editors on this one: it can make you paranoid as hell. Which could be advantageous when dealing with toddlers; it means that they’ll be afraid to run around in places they don’t belong, e.g. in the recycling bin, tumble dryer or in traffic, making any need for constant supervision redundant.

Their art can make big money

Question: What do you get if you make someone lacking co-ordination and artistic ability try to communicate a crack-fueled train of thought that derails before it has even left the platform through a medium the artist herself can’t even understand? Answer: A post-modern, abstract masterpiece. Profit accordingly.

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