The benefits of abstinence policy

We hardly have to point out to you all that we pay quite a lot for the privilege of attending this University. As an international, non EU-student I even pay quite a lot more. To justify that we spend the equivalent of the national debt of an average, sub-Saharan developing country on tuition instead of, say, breeding a race of penguins that are born with the ability to yodel, one can point to the immense library resources that are available to us, the many social opportunities we can exploit and the fact that we get one-to-one guidance in our studies by those who are at the forefront of their respective academic fields.

Except that we don’t. Why? Because they’re all insisting on having babies, that’s why. How many of you haven’t had your lecturers, module leaders or supervisors leave you lost without a guide in the vast forest of knowledge at the most inconvenient times of the year?

The solution, of course, is simple. We propose that from now on, members of the academic staff are exclusively allowed to engage in coitus during fresher’s week so that any potential offspring will only manifest themselves after exams are all done. As academics have proven to draw most pleasure in life from over-anal(heh)ysing mundane phenomena, they can spend the rest of the year engaging in an in-depth (heh) theoretical exploration of their performance.

This policy will naturally not apply to those of the staff whose feelings of sexual attraction are exclusively directed towards members of the same sex.

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