‘Social media is ruining romance’: a phrase that can be commonly found in the reposts of heartbroken ex-lovers, in the smoking area of your local pub and more recently in journalism. With even The New York Times comparing social media to a contraceptive, this sweeping statement has become an accepted norm and excuse for failed relationships. From my observations, this discourse reminisces on a pinnacle of romance that no longer exists. Relationships based on longing and few meaningful private interactions of intimacy are constructed as a lost relic. The presence of disloyalty and jealousy is conveniently left out of these descriptions. Yes, the age-old custom of heartbreak, affairs and cheating is positioned as a symptom of our romantically declining modern society. And the reason they claim for this epidemic of loneliness? Apparently, social media. 

Before picking apart this idea and being rather pessimistic about love, I wanted a second opinion. So I asked my flatmates and friends how they viewed social media’s effects on romance. Some argued that social media, in some ways, aids romance and brings love to the less extroverted of us – undeniably it is a lot easier to send a DM or a like than it is to physically spark up a conversation. However, everyone I asked united in the fact that social media harbors jealousy and catalyses insecurity in relationships. The worldwide access to such a range of people can aid romance but also assist infidelity. Many of my friends discussed how they would be uncomfortable if their partner liked or commented on an ex’s post on social media. Some even displayed signs of paranoia, by mentioning the ability to check follower counts and Instagram’s new feature of viewing the reels your ‘Friends’ have liked in a designated tab. These are all ideas that I am partial to agree with. However, I don’t view this as evidence for “social media ruining romance”. Instead, I view it as more of an exposing tool.

The action of consistently liking an ex’s post or replying to a story is minor, within itself, and may not appear confrontation-worthy to some. However, secretly reaching out to an ex and deliberately sustaining a relationship with them would likely be considered cheating, or at least inappropriate, in many relationships. So why, when the action is conducted online, is this considered a petty concern?

Furthermore, I also agree that social media can expand insecurity by giving someone the tools to survey their partner and pay closer attention to their interactions. Yet, I think that it is important to note here, that social media is not a cause for insecurity or disloyalty – rather, it is a tool that exposes these traits in people. If a partner is disloyal and has the intention or capability to cheat – whether in real life or through dms – then, simply not seeing this happen will not save the relationship. Furthermore, if a partner does not trust you and is deeply insecure, then deleting social media doesn’t resolve these traits. They will reveal themselves, nonetheless, in different ways. Social media is not a cause of decline. It is simply a vessel, that exposes disloyal or incompatible matches sooner.

One cannot argue that romance in modern day society is certainly different than in the past. This does not, however, mean it has been ‘ruined’. Lovers no longer are forced to be apart with no form of contact for long periods of time, as technology has enabled us to sustain intimacy even while we aren’t physically with our partners. Couples are less likely to remain ignorant to issues within their relationship, as social media has given us great access to observe our partners’ actions, even when they are absent. Thus, most importantly, romance is not in a state of decline. Rather, society is in a constant state of comparison and unfulfillment of the present.