The real University Challenge: Keeping idiots out of clubs

Blaring music. Lights. Dancing. Rowdy clubbers.  

These are all staples of a classic Durham night out, whether it be in Jimmys or one of the other fine establishments in our town. We’ve all been in the queue and been assaulted by the obnoxiously loud voices of that group. You know the ones: beige chinos, blue shirts, challenges involving downing a jug of beer if you accidentally breathe without remembering to recite some inane chant. Cardiff University’s SU definitely knows who we’re talking about. Last week, the University of Cardiff made headlines across the country for banning beige chinos and blue shirts from its SU club, citing “dangerous behaviour” by those in this kind of outfit as the reason.  

This leads to a larger question for UK Unis – what is the best way to keep idiots out of clubs?  

You could go with the tried and tested approach, banning those who wear the staples. But is this a foolproof method? It is Halloween today, which spells out a rise in disguises for the cultish group in question. Bouncers, be warned. Although they’re dressed in a witty Ali G costume or, if they’re really super quirky, as Hugh Heffner with an army of scantily dressed playboy bunnies (male or female), don’t be fooled. These menaces who frequent the clubs will take any opportunity to get onto that sweaty dance floor and shove everyone around (only in a clockwise motion though, or they risk being forced to drink 13 VKs in the order of the rainbow colours).  

Maybe a better solution to keep these inciters out of the clubs would be a simple quiz. Comprised of maybe one or two questions which would really root out the good from the bad. For example, “Do you use slang terms such as BNOC unironically?”  Or, perhaps, “How do you feel about Durham coming last for social inclusion out of UK unis?”

I’m just ballparking here, but I feel like this is a solid approach. Obviously, not everyone who fails the quiz would be rejected. It’s not fair to generalise a group of people like that based on two silly questions. A third silly question would make it much fairer – for example, following Cardiff’s lead, “Do you, or have you, worn beige chinos and a blue shirt as an outfit?” In fact, scrap the first two questions. Cardiff is really onto something here. Even if they’re not wearing it on the night in question, chuck ‘em out!  

As a country what we need is a harsher approach to these club delinquents. Sure, we’ve got the classic Breathalyzer on the door and the old ID checks, but for the kind of evil that resides in some people, this is a small feat to get around. We need the same attitudes for these violence inciters that we reserve for the worst criminals. Durham is home to a perfectly good prison after all – why bother chucking them out the club to go home? A night in the slammer and they’ll think twice before engaging in the kind of raucous behaviour that some (all) detest.  

I am fully aware this sounds like the fun police, but seriously? Who can possibly be enjoying the club when at the same time as trying to have a nice little boogie to Sophie Ellis Bextor, you’re suddenly fighting for your life to avoid being trampled by a hoard of chino-clad gremlins.  

Come on Durham! Let’s rally together and really find the best ways to stop our clubs being infested with, well, evil incarnate. If this seems extreme to you, it’s probably because you’ve been selected by this very group as the next one on their roster – before you know it, you’ll be performing satanic rituals in the Jimmy’s toilets, all to avoid having to chop a Woodgate.  



Image: Antoine J. on Unsplash  

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