As a very wise woman once said, cooking inspiration does not come from the soul, but rather from a deep-seated hatred of the Tory party. It therefore seems only right to channel this week’s political rage into a recipe, the name of which can only be described as fitting.
Realise it’s actually called ‘Eton mess’ and not ‘eat and mess’ as you so foolishly believed for the first 22 years of your life.
Get out your ingredients. You will need:
2 large eggs (no eggcorns here)
500g strawberries, hulled and chopped
400ml double cream
A smattering of political rage
A roulette board (essential for decision making)
A group of students who like to travel
Questionable Covid policies
An Etonian education
Look up what ‘hulled’ means. Best to check what a dialogue signpost is while you’re at it.
Heat the oven to 120°C and line a tray with baking paper. Having separated your yolks, whisk the egg whites until stiff peaks are formed (not dissimilar to those of January’s Covid graphs).
Mix the most part of the sugar into to your whipped egg whites and make sure to keep those peaks as stiff as ever. Next, spoon dollops of the mixture onto the tray. As a general guide, you should give less mixture to the North of the tray, but more to the South East. At this point it is imperative that you refuse to comment further on the situation. Put into the oven for about an hour but be prepared to extend the time frame with little to no warning.
With your meringues cooled but political rage still burning, sugar-coat the rest of your strawberries in a desperate attempt to cover up the ensuing chaos.
Whisk the cream until firm, before crushing your
hopes and dreams meringues and mixing them in with the strawberries and whipped cream.
Garnish with empty promises, more crushed meringue, the odd bit of austerity, and a few strawberries here and there.
Et voilà! There you have it – your very own, and most importantly, original Eton mess. Your finished dish should look something like your final exam, or worse still, the UK government. If it does, we can only apologise. Eton mess is a dish best served cold, and preferably enjoyed in aesthetic locations such as ‘The Tent’.