Breaking: what the university isn’t telling us

It has been reported that ‘extraordinary’ experiments have been taking place in Durham University’s buildings for a number of months.

The experiments are said to be instigated by the university, but it is believed that not all staff are aware of the situation.

Although the purpose of the research is not yet clear, witnesses have reported individuals disappearing for 10-14 days before returning ‘dazed’ and ‘slightly erratic’.

‘He was about and about one day, seeing friends, doing normal things’, says one worried neighbour, ‘and then we didn’t see him for 2 weeks – it was so strange’.

Some suggest the university is developing a COVID-safe teleportation device, while others fear the creation of a brain-enhancing mechanism – perhaps in an attempt to restore the university’s rankings in the Good University Guide.

Suspicion arose when Durham students were told not to return to campus until the beginning of Easter Term, months after neighbouring universities plan to resume in-person teaching.

In the message from the Vice-Chancellor, students were instead promised the ‘best possible Easter Term experience’.

The recent developments may shed a little more light on what this means, and it appears that the university is taking to the extreme their promise to ‘think imaginatively about the shape and content of Easter Term’.

In positive news, it has been suggested that students’ tuition fees are being used to subsidise the experiments.

‘It is the only feasible explanation as to why we are required to pay the full £9250 despite receiving so little in return’, suggests one student. ‘We’re just glad things are finally starting to make sense.’

According to some experts, the recent snowfall in Durham may be a side-effect of the university’s experiments.

‘It is awfully convenient that snow is considered “normal” in the North, but any real precipitologist can deduce that this is no ordinary snowfall’, says one expert.

Southerners have long been posting pictures of the snow on popular app ‘Instagram’ as if they are the first-ever to experience it and, for once, they may be right.

‘I could not believe my eyes when I woke up and everything was covered with this weird white powdery stuff’, remarks one student. ‘I just had to share it online, it blew my mind.’

Experts are still looking into the specific cause of the snow, but they are ‘confident’ it is a direct result of the university’s secret experiments.

To add to the mystery, witnesses have spotted numerous ‘masked individuals’ going in and out of university buildings in recent months.

The TLC or, as it is believed to be called, the Test Landing Centre, and the Billy B (Billy Boom) are said to be hubs for the revolutionary research.

The Bubble were not able to find the persons behind the experiments, but we did receive an anonymous statement on behalf of the university:

‘We are delighted to have reached Tier 4, or rather Triumphant Integration Expected Readiness level 4.

‘We understand the inconvenience to students and locals at this time, but we are thrilled at our hard-earned progress over the past few months and ask that students remain away until the process is complete.’

We cannot expect further clarity until The Bubble return to Durham but students can be relieved that, finally, their fees are being put to good use.

Featured image by Cat Branchman on Flickr, available under CC Attribution 2.0.

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