51 Reasons I Am Not Smiling

I get asked this question a lot: whether I’m reading, running, stocking sodas at work or just sitting quietly thinking to myself: The question that is, apparently, on everyone’s minds is,

“Why aren’t you smiling? Smile! You look so tired/sad/angry! You’d look so much prettier if you smiled!”

Fear not! I assure you there is a perfectly reasonable explanation behind my neutral human expression. Dear reader I have written you a list…

Photo cred Dennis Sylvester Hurd / Flickr

51 reasons I am not smiling:

1. I am not a robot.

2. You are not a robot.

3. None of us are robots, this is a pre-robotic uprising society

Viva la revolucion. Photo cred Pascal / Flickr

4. (As far as I know)

5. My dog just died

6. My dog didn’t die but he’s at home I miss him

7. The postmodern condition offends me

8. You offend me

9. Your stupid face offends me

10. Life, man

11. My smile muscles are tired from smiling

12. My brain muscles are tired from thinking

13. I grew up in a cult where smiling was forbidden and despite years of counselling still haven’t been able to break free from my sociocultural conditioning

14. I am a sociopath and feel no emotion

Is this smiling I just don’t know anymore. Photo cred Alan Levine / Flickr

15. I am a public figure and displays of emotion are beneath me

16. I am Kristin Stewart and  I only do that quirky asymmetrical lip-twitch thing displays of emotion are beyond me*

17. I have passed to a state of nirvana that transcends smiling.

18. I just got my wisdom teeth taken out

19. I am concentrating on not punching your wisdom teeth out

20. It’s dark and there’s no point dear god is that an intruder wait oh no just a balloon 

21. Happiness is a weak-minded ideal

Ugh am I right.
Photo cred Artem Beliaikin / Flickr

22. I am doing multivariable calculus in my head

23. She sells sea shells by the sea shore

24. Valar Morghulis

25. You have something in your teeth

26. I have something in my teeth

27. How many sea shells did she sell?

A question that haunts my waking dreams. Photo cred Bernard Spragg. NZ / Flickr

28. I am a method actor auditioning for the role of John Coffey in The Green Mile

29. Life is short and cruel

30. Fox’s Cream Biscuits weren’t on sale at Tesco

31. I am trying not to sneeze

32. My local Starbucks doesn’t do salted caramel cold foam on top of their cold brews

33. I forgot to set the dishwasher off

34. War is an inevitable feature of the human condition

35. I just watched Game of Thrones finale

36. David Bowie is dead

37. Brexit

38. My spearmint gum tastes weird with my coffee

39. A fortune teller once told me I would die smiling

40. I’m still salty about [insert major sports event]

41. Gaza may never know peace

42. Banksy is a self-obsessed consumerist nightmare child

43. I am a hangry bitch

44. I am a lizard person and my mask prevents normal facial expression

Oh hello ther. Photo cred Bernard Spragg. NZ / Flickr

45. Brandon sits on the throne

46. I have a dehydration headache

47. I mean who even was the night king though

48. I’m an empath and your existential musings are killing my vibe

49. I’m trying to pout and it isn’t working, no sexy time for you 🙁 

50. It’s opposite day and I’m brimming with joy

51. I am sitting here writing this article justifying normal human facial expressions for women 


Or perhaps I am not smiling, because you are asking me to smile, punk.


Stay fierce ladies. Photo cred Mathias Appel / Flickr


*JK Kristen I actually love you xo

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