The Bubble has obtained an exclusive account of a lunch between a student and his (almond) mother. The findings were, in a word, heavy.
SON: Hi mum! How are you doing?
MUM: Never mind me, you’re certainly looking ‘healthy’.
SON: Thanks? So, what do you fancy for lunch?
MUM: Hmmm, let’s see, maybe the salad. Do you think it’s keto?
SON: It’s a salad.
MUM: Hmmm, I’ll ask. Just to be sure. clicking fingers You look like you work here. Do you know if the salad is keto?
WAITRESS: confused I believe so?
MUM: Well, I’ll get that and the tap water – leave the lemon, it’s enough as it is.
SON: sarcastically Do you not want to check if the tap waters keto too? sigh I’ll just have the cake please.
Waitress leaves
MUM: So, how is your father?
SON: I’m not too sure, I haven’t heard from him much recently. The phone works both ways apparently, but he’s been saying that for years.
MUM: Is he still seeing that…woman…
SON: Yeah, I think they went to Thailand to see the elephants recently
MUM: excited Oh how fitting! She went to thighland?? She didn’t get mixed up with the other elephants, did she?
SON: shocked Mum!
MUM: I wonder, did she travel in hold with the other livestock?
SON: People can hear you!!
MUM: I’m only kidding… service animals now go in cabin apparently.
SON: She’s actually really lovely, that’s low hanging fruit.
MUM: Seems like she’s not going for much fruit at all really. Besides, you don’t REALLY know that, she only appeared out of ‘not so thin’ air about a year ago.
SON: You really shouldn’t comment on people’s weight like that, Mum.
MUM: Oh! So I’m the worst person ever, wow, thanks a lot. You’re very judgmental you know?
Awkward silence
Waitress brings over food
Mum is eyeing up cake
SON: Would you like to try some?
MUM: No no! This salad will take me through to tomorrow morning! Keeps eyeing it up
SON: It’s barely noon… Honestly Mum, you can have some.
MUM: Okay, okay, since you’re forcing my hand. ONLY a slither. Sees Son cut some No no, that’s FAR too much! Takes a bite and cringes Oh! Much too sweet for me. I don’t know how you do it!
SON: Right.
Lull in conversation while Mum stares at waitress
MUM: Uh oh, Train wreck, 10 o’clock, train wreck. You know, I reckon she’s one of your sort.
SON: My sort?
MUM: You know… part of the LGTV… OBCT… whatever it is.
SON: What makes you think she’s gay?
MUM: Well, she’s got that awful piercing for one.
SON: You can’t assume someone’s sexuality from how they dress.
MUM: I’m not! And besides, if I were to do that I’d assume she’s asexual…dressing to DEpress! scoffs at own joke
SON: You’re being cruel.
MUM: Always criticising me! Sorry, would you mind stopping with the unnecessary comments? I won’t be here forever you know.
SON: under breath It certainly feels like forever.
MUM: side eyeing Hmmm. Speaking of not being here forever, your auntie Amanda has colon cancer, you should see how gaunt she’s looking now.
SON: Oh no! that’s awful.
MUM: Awful? The lucky cow! It’s been working wonders for her, she’s lost a ton of weight.
SON: rolling eyes, signalling for the cheque Right. Anything else going on with you?
MUM: Well, let me have a think. Oh! I went to see Grease the other day!
SON: happy for a conversation change oh that is nice!
MUM: Yeah, shame that Sandy was a bit large though. More like sandwich. She really brought new meaning to the word ‘grease’.
SON: getting up from chair well, This sure has been lovely. I’ll see you soon. walks away
MUM: looks at chair Bless you, you trooper. Looks like that was a heavy conversation for the both of us
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