The Underrated Moose

Why you should keep a pet moose

The major issue occupying the minds of linguists and philosophers of language from Wittgenstein to Chomsky and beyond is how to best form the plural of ‘moose’. It evident that the moose, being one of the most triumphant creatures Mother Nature has ever birthed, requires a distinctive plural term; just using ‘moose’ to denote plural as simply won’t do. The moose deserves better.

One alternative that presents itself is ‘mooses’, which is a sound, strong word carrying connotations to one of the most badass characters in Scripture. Nonetheless, I can’t shake the feeling that it sounds like something Gollum would use to denote a herd of cows.

Consequently, when describing a multitude of the species Alces alces I should therefore advocate the application of the term ‘meese’. It rhymes with cheese, arguably one of the most beautiful things in life. With that settled, I can get around to the business of explaining why meese are vastly underrated as domestic pets:

They’re hilarious when drunk: Meese are party animals. After a bottle or two of vodka they are prone to dance on the table, and I trust our readership to possess enough imagination to make any explanation of the ensuing jaw-dropping hilarity redundant. Furthermore, you can attach a large amount of partyhats to their impressive antlers, increasing the level of awesomeness by several degrees. Speaking of which…

Their antlers: Moose antlers are multifunctional: their size and shape allow for them to be used mobile body-weight gym where one could do dips and pull-ups, and with the proper setup they can also function as wi-fi enhancing antennas.

They’re great therapists: Encountering a moose is an awe-inspiring experience indeed. The combination of their size, calm demeanour and solemn stare communicates a profound aura of deep wisdom penetrating our consciousness and inducing a state of existential reflection. When feeling down in the dumps the only thing one needs to restore spiritual equilibrium is a moment or two in meditative silence with a moose to remind oneself of the insignificance of our troubles in the grand scheme of things by seeing the world from the perspective of the fleeting nature of our existence on this blue dot floating through the empty vastness of space, consequentially increasing our awareness of the miracles of life, art, love and cheese.

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