The Alphabet According to a Pessimist

A Through I

A – Angst. From teenage angst over spots and the post-graduation fears of students, to the mid-life crises and fear of death in old age, angst is ever-present throughout life. You could consider it your one faithful friend.

B – Bullsh#t. Another old faithful. In your lifetime, a depressing 76% of people and 97% of adverts will try to bullsh#t you. 99% of statistics are also bullsh#t.

C – Crying. What a pessimist may often be found doing after an ill-advised attempt at optimism. Stick to pessimism – it’s safer.

D – Depressing. This adjective describes the world. It’s a pretty depressing place, let’s face it.

E – Elation. That amazing feeling when, amazingly, things don’t go wrong!

F – Forgiving others’ mistakes. As a pessimist, you realise that people are far from perfect and that it’s human nature to mess things up. So why waste time fuming over it?

G – God’s sake. Blaspheme. Because there probably is no God. And it just feels good to swear.

H – Hiccups. One of the most frustrating things one can be afflicted by, affecting everyone and turning the smiles of even the most upbeat people upside down. An American man by the name of Charles Osborne once had hiccups for a total 68 years. It could happen to you too…

I – “I told you so.” When an optimistic friend’s hopes and expectations get crushed – as you knew they would, as a pessimist – you can rely on this faithful phrase to inject a healthy dose of reality into their life.

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