The Alphabet According to a Pessimist

J Through S

J – “Just hold the line for a moment, please.” And the tables are turned because this phrase, as any good pessimist knows, means that you’ll be listening to awful automated music down the phone for the best part of the next hour.

K – Karma. Grow up – it doesn’t exist. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and vice versa. The world isn’t fair.

L – Luck. As above.

M – Money. Ah, the economy – everyone’s favourite grumbling-point as of late. Greed and irresponsibility has got us into this mess, and what for? After all, money can’t buy you happiness.

N – No. When you expect this answer, it takes the edge off it.

O – Oops. A short word said immediately after an unfortunate event, often involving the breaking of an object, that will put a dampener on your day.

P – Pleasantly surprised. A pessimist can never be disappointed. When you always expect the worst, it’s a pleasant surprise when something good actually happens. You appreciate it.

Q – Questioning others’ motives. People can be selfish and often have ulterior motives – sad but true. Question them, think critically.

R – Rubik’s cubes. Like hiccups, these pesky things can drive you insane with frustration. Like optimism, they are best avoided for long-term mental well-being.

S – Sarcasm. AKA the pessimist’s version of humour. If a pessimist says something sarcastic and vaguely insulting and you’re not sure if they’re making the joke at your expense, they probably are. Not because they want to hurt you, but because they think, rather pessimistically, that you’re not sharp enough to pick up on it.

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