Shameless self-promotion

Four reasons why you should befriend a Norwegian

Even if you might view yourself as a socially accomplished person with a wide range of reliable, interesting and fun acquaintances, there is ample evidence that any circle of friends would benefit greatly from the inclusion of a Norwegian in the ranks. A selection of which are presented below:

Clubbing with a Norwegian is infinitely more fun.

Here in Britain, ‘clubbing’ involves overpriced, watered-down drinks, repetitive, soulless music specifically made to require no developed taste in the listener and being stuck on a dancefloor of sweat, smoke and boners. In contrast, if a Norwegian decides to bring you along for a session of clubbing, you can anticipate an adventure involving large, blunt instruments and being on the lookout for seals and polar bears.

You might get the chance to ride a moose.

Whereas in other parts of the world it is customary to keep conventional pets such as cats, dogs or fish, Norwegians prefer moose (meese? mooses?). This is represents a golden opportunity to put the unicycle guy in his place by riding a moose to lectures.

They’re stable companions on slippery surfaces.

After thousands of years living in the country lands of perpetual winter dominated by steep mountains, in comparison to which Durham’s topography closely resembles that of a pancake, Norwegians have evolved adaptations to keep their balance under conditions of low friction and somewhat vertically oriented sceneries; this includes improved inner ear function and tiny spikes on the soles of their feet that pops out around mid-November. When winter comes, one would therefore benefit greatly from latching on to a Norwegian.

They make you look tanned in comparison.

The Norwegian weather is much like the British, just colder, darker, and with shorter summers, e.g. a less-than-ideal environment for the synthesizing of vitamin D. And it shows.

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