Oh Do Shut Up

“I am God’s vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”

Kanye West is an intolerable dickhead. Discuss.

One would assume that a discussion as to why Mr West is such an intolerable dickhead would be utterly redundant. Surely anybody who’s seen the various interviews in which Kanye so deftly proved himself to be a dimwitted cockalorum would agree. Unfortunately, a recent infuriating encounter I had proved this assumption to be sorely wrong.

As I was picking my way across the unfeasibly sticky floor of Boat House I spotted one of Durham’s very own celebrities chatting animatedly out on one of the balconies – that dude with the dreads who plays in that band. If that doesn’t clarify exactly whom I mean then that’s probably a good thing because, as I was soon to find out, this poor chap doesn’t need his ego massaged any more. On passing said egotist’s lively conversation I interjected with a quick ‘I saw you perform the other day, well done. You were great.’ Expecting a simple ‘thank you very much’ I was in the process of moving on when his drawling response drew me to an abrupt halt: ‘I know man, tell me about it. I’m all the talent up there. I don’t need those other two’.

I turned slowly; desperately hoping to be greeted by a grin denoting that this ridiculous statement was just a joke. Unfortunately I was faced by an insidious look of sneering sincerity. This douchebag actually meant it. My initial shock at this unbridled arrogance gave way to a wave of disappointment that such a talented individual could be such a moron. Succeeding this disappointment I was struck by a sudden, seething anger.

‘Please say you’re joking’ I muttered through gritted teeth, still holding out hope that he was in fact making an ironic statement about how so many intelligent and well-respected musicians are such self-conceited assholes.

‘No man, I’m serious. I’ve got it all. It’s all me up there.’

It was astonishing just how quickly this guy had fallen from ‘someone-I-don’t-know-but-assume-is-an-interesting-and-intelligent-individual’ to ‘twat’. I didn’t know what to do. Pull his hair? Pour my drink on his tux? Punch him repeatedly in the face? All of the above?

Having decided that violence was, of course, not the answer I thought perhaps I could talk him round to seeing how what he had said was so completely repulsive. What followed was this brief but thoroughly depressing conversation:

Me: You sound like Kanye West – delusional, self-conceited… and an utter twat.

Him: Yeah but Kanye West’s a millionaire, so who cares? You need an ego to make a name for yourself in the world.

Me: Yes, but that doesn’t mean you have to be such a massive knob. Gandhi had an ego. Mandela had an ego. And they were quite nice guys.

Him: Yeah, but look at where Mandela ended up… In prison. Kanye’s a millionaire. See what I mean?

It was at this point that I had to walk away, shaking with an indignant anger so strong it threatened to bubble over into raucous laughter.

It’s baffling how someone who at first glance appears so kosher could be such a tool. In the space of about thirty seconds this pernicious specimen had proved himself to be an ignorant, materialistic, superficial narcissist. And it appears to be exactly this kind of spanner which makes up the majority of the unnervingly large Kanye West fan-base. Which brings me back to opening reflections upon dear Kanye.

Hailing himself as our generation’s Shakespeare, Mandela and Jesus it seems clear that little old Kanye perhaps didn’t get quite enough attention as a nipper. I’m sure that everyone at some point in their life has told some sort of lie to get attention. I went through a phase of insisting that despite my being only a knee-heighted five year old I was actually Batman. Then I grew up.

Unfortunately, for the merry band of narrow-minded pillocks who idol worship this deluded sad act the ultimate achievement in life is simply having lots of money. Forget human rights. Forget honour. Forget the courage needed to fight against relentless oppression. Give these green-eyed goons a glimpse of the cheddar and any resemblance of educated, moral 21st century humanity vanishes – leaving only a gabbling buffoon, wafting the stench of his putrid ego in an attempt to belittle everyone and everything that doesn’t bow down at his feet. It’s a sad reflection on the current state of affairs that that idiot on the balcony, along with thousands of others, would view Kanye West as more of a role model than Nelson Mandela – simply because the former is stinking rich.

So, in answer to the original question: there is no need to ‘discuss’. The only answer is ‘correct’.

* Interview number 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1W_QWDWHiI

Interview number 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S78tT_YxF_c

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