It takes two

Four reasons why you should think twice about taking your goat to a beginner’s tango class

So you’ve decided to become a better and more accomplished person by attending tango classes. Excited by the prospect of rhythmic self-improvement, you might also be tempted to think ‘why not take this opportunity to bond with my goat?’. To add to the appeal, imagine the inevitable looks of envy from your neighbours and friends, whose goats will undoubtedly seem dull and commonplace in comparison. However, before you decide to embark on this tempting course of action, we at Flipside, in the spirit of improving the state of humankind through public awareness, urge you to consider the following:

1. Goats will climb anything.

The fact of the matter is that any goat on surface A perceiving an elevated surface B will invariably try to reach that surface. If you attempt to drag a goat onto the dance-floor, you will soon find that it is standing on your head, which would probably somewhat restrict your ability for graceful movement.

2. Goats are sensitive with regards to their personal space.

Goats don’t like other organisms intruding on their space, and thus would not look kindly upon others drifting in and out of what they perceive as their territory, the size of which varies indeterminately according to the goat’s preference, which is inevitable on a dance-floor. The preferred method by which goats remove offending trespassers is by repeated head-butting.

3. Goats don’t take orders from anyone.

It should be clear from the above discussion of the notorious disobedience of goats towards the laws of physics that a goat gives exactly zero fucks about what others say they should and shouldn’t do. Try to tell a goat to put its right hoof forward and it is more than likely to respond by driving said hoof forcefully into your genitals.

4. Goats are inherently metal.

Even if you managed to overcome all the above obstacles and you and your goat are finally ready to enter the realms of South-American rhythm, it’ll take exactly thirteen seconds before your goat will think ‘screw this shit’, head over to the mixer (head-butting everyone in its way), and put on some Slayer. As metal attracts other goats, head-banging bovines will soon fill the floor and continuing with the tango class will become impossible.

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