The Immigrant-finder General passed judgement yesterday on another foul, benefit-snatching, welfare state-abusing migrant, sending his unworthy soul to the abyss. Gordon Smith was found guilty of being descended from Celtic migrants in the 7th century BC and burned at the stake.
Gordon Smith, a lifelong inhabitant of Little Widlington in Surrey, was disturbed on Monday evening by an angry mob storming his house with torches and pitchforks. This was triggered by the abrupt arrival of the Immigrant-finder General in the village and the declaration that Gordon Smith was, in fact, an immigrant. After a night under lock and key in the local police station, the accused yesterday morning was dragged before the People’s Court of Justice and instantly declared guilty of immigration, a heinous crime which carries the penalty of death with no right to appeal.
Despite Mr Smith’s pleas, this dirty illegal asylum seeker, the descendant of ancestors fleeing overpopulation in Gaul, was sentenced to be burnt at the stake, a punishment which was rightly carried out instantly.
“I never realised,” said Mrs Herman, a neighbour of Mr Smith. “He always seemed like such a nice person, always kept his verge neatly trimmed and grew the most fantastic apples. I guess that must be a talent his filthy immigrant genes gave him.” Shortly after giving this statement, Mrs Herman was arrested and burnt at the stake along with Mr Smith for being one-eighth German, and thus also a filthy immigrant.
Immigration is a serious problem for this country, and an issue which has rightly been raised in a very vocal manner by politicians across the political spectrum. Mr Anasuya, MP for Little Widlington and Hurmsey, declared:
“My office is greatly indebted to the Immigrant-finder General for revealing this cancer which lurks at the heart of our constituency. Immigrants are a threat to the British way of life: stealing our jobs, our benefits and our healthcare, and giving nothing in return in way of taxes. My office shall offer its full cooperation to the Immigrant-finder General in hunting down the other fifth column immigrants which may be hiding in our locality. Out of the public interest, I have investigated my family tree and find that I am 100% English back to the fourth millennium BC and therefore am completely free of guilt.”
Mr Anasuya was burnt at the stake yesterday evening, for being descended from immigrants who came to this country in the fourth millennium BC. The Immigrant-finder General offered this statement:
“No one is safe from the Immigrant-finder General. Under the tenets of British law, all are guilty of immigration until proven burnt.”