HorrorScopes

“Don’t say we didn’t warn you”

Aries (21 March – 19 April)

Like a badly mixed beverage in Klute, the stars are producing two distinct flavours for your future. The bad news: in one week’s time, you will die. The good news: you won’t be dead-dead; you’ll be one of the living-dead, more commonly referred to as “zombies”. Life (is this the right word?) as a zombie can be quite comfortable nowadays, with high strength moisturisers and rare-cooked steaks essential commodities. Whilst returning home to your parents at Christmas as one of the undead may be awkward to explain at first, they will surely get used to it; they expect their offspring to get up to strange shenanigans at university. Be careful not to drink too much wine at Christmas dinner however, as losing your inhibitions and trying to eat Grandma’s brains will not win you any favour amongst the family.

Taurus (20 April – 20 May)

Uranus can be the rudest of planets and indeed it seems to be rudely suggesting that people born under this star sign are a load of bull. Then again, it may be referring to Taurus being the sign of the bull. Alternatively, it may be warning that a rogue bull will soon escape from a nearby farm and run amok, leaving a trail of horrific destruction and equally horrifying bull droppings in its wake. Which of these three interpretations is correct is not clear. Astrology is not an exact art…

Gemini (21 May – 20 June)

The boisterous nature of certain asteroids, located in the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter, suggests that they are about to hurtle out of orbit and head straight towards the Earth, causing mass extinction on a scale not seen since the demise of the dinosaurs. Strictly, this affects people of all star signs, not simply Geminis, but the other star signs already have other cool predictions so I’m putting it here. Hard luck.

Cancer (21 June – 22 July)

Pluto is waning in such a way that suggests that in the next week you should beware of ghosts and ghouls that plan on bursting from the underworld and dragging you down into the world of the dead. In every strange nook and crevice lies danger; the dark space under your bed, the mysterious corners of your lecture theatres, the common rooms of certain colleges… Then again, Pluto has been acting stroppily ever since it was demoted from planet status, so it could just be making it up in a cry for attention.

Leo (23 July – 22 August)

The argument that has been bubbling up between yourself and your least favourite male lecturer will boil over dramatically in the next few days, the trajectory of Mars suggests. Mars, the God of War, with its red hue reminiscent of anger and blood, hints that the final confrontation may well be a violent one, with textbooks being bashed into heads and his trusty thermal flask being used against him in a most creative way… I shan’t spoil the surprise.

Virgo (23 August – 22 September)

When your friend asks you if you want to join them for a private bit of Ouija boarding in their bedroom, say no. This is what Saturn suggests anyway, with its many rings of wisdom. A planet of substantial size, its warning should be heeded; the ghosts may be excited by Halloween and may use this increased virility to try to slip into the physical world. However, Saturn often likes to fool around and uses any excuse to insert a bit of subtle innuendo, so perhaps this warning should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Libra (23 September – 22 October)

The Dog Star ‘Sirius B’ is rising high in the sky tonight, meaning only one thing: watch out for murderous big black dogs. In fact, this warning can be extended to dogs of any size and colour, as well as other pets that may be going through a species identity crisis. It is a little known fact that the star Sirius B transmits a high pitched noise on the M.A.D. (murderous angry dog) spectrum, meaning that tonight your lovable furry friend may turn into a crazed beast with a taste for human flesh. Advice: get that guy you don’t like to dog-sit for you tonight.

Scorpio (23 October – 21 November)

The position of the moon relative to the constellation of exploding stars reveals that you are contemplating a birthday meal… DO NOT PROCEED WITH THIS PLAN. Your ongoing feud with the waiter may just reach a grisly climax as the fun meal quickly escalates into a scene of culinary carnage and mass death. The constellation of exploding stars reveals that this tragedy will be due to a combination of sharp kitchen knives, a vicious food fight and overcooked meatballs in pasta. How these three elements will be combined is as yet unclear…

Sagittarius (22 November – 21 December)

Take extra care when out alone next full moon, as its reddish tinge is a hint that strange forces are at work… Indeed, now would be a good time to reveal that the myth of the werewolf is, in fact, truth. So, should an adorable mutt with a mouthful of extra-pointy teeth bound over to play, it is advisable to steer well clear. Or, to put it more bluntly, to run away screaming that everyone else should follow your lead. Silly though you may feel to cause such a furore, it is surely better than receiving a nasty bite that would add a whole new level of meaning to the phrase “that time of the month”.

Capricorn (22 December – 19 January)

There is no real way to break this gently. Next Tuesday, your house / university accommodation will fall down. Of this, there is no doubt. It will crumble mournfully, topple gracefully, or, in the case of Van Mildert students, get sucked to the bottom of the formerly toxic lake. Sigh, it is tragic. Luckily however, as you’ve been forewarned, you now have time to quickly remove your belongings from the building and camp outside until the danger has passed. Of course, people will temporarily ridicule and shun you for your tent-aboding ways, but just wait until Tuesday…

Aquarius (20 January – 18 February)

OK, so the suspiciously UFO-like building in the Science Site has got a suspicious secret that it would like to keep suspiciously quiet. Of course, as an intrepid and curious Aquarius, you will venture into this building next Monday to find… Well, that would be telling. Without giving too much away, you will be faced with a tough decision: do you stand and fight bravely against all odds for our planet, or do you join the winning team and welcome our new alien overlords? You’ll find out on Monday, I suppose.

Pisces (19 February – 20 March)

The alignment of Mercury with the sun somewhat alarmingly suggests that on Halloween night, pumpkins will invariably take over your bedroom in epidemic proportions. We’re talking pumpkins filling your room to the ceiling, windows bursting open with the pressure, walls splitting. Whether this is due to a prank spiralling out of proportion or a new breed of quickly reproducing pumpkins, is unknown. I hope you like pumpkins.

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