Gift suggestions for the morally deprived

All the feelgoody stuff we associate with Christmas comes about through general high-spirited social interaction, meals, music and last but not least, Christmas presents. Most people will use this opportunity to spread joy, merriment and happiness in the lives of yourself and others, but there are undoubtedly those amongst you who would rather utilize this festive occasion to declare mortality dead, either through wilfully opposing the sentiment of giving people something nice or useful or presenting them with items that can and will corrupt their character and undermine their sense of morality. This list of Christmas gift suggestions is for those of you who want to spend this holiday making the world just a tiny bit worse.

Cards against humanity

The underlying concept of this card game is quite accurately summarized in the description labelled on the box: ‘A party game for horrible people’. Through an ingenious system of combining random statements and words, this game will make you laugh by producing phrases such as: ‘My gym teacher got fired for adding Auschwitz to the obstacle course’, ‘It’s not bestiality, it’s taking a special interest in nature documentaries’ or ‘Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children AIDS’.

This gadget

A simple mini-helicopter with the word ‘FUCK’ attached to it, so that you can efficiently demonstrate when you literally just give a flying fuck about something, thus promoting emotional apathy and reminding people that the world is a harsh, cruel place where no-one cares about them.

This Christmas sweater

The desert rock powerhouse Queens of the Stone Age released their own Christmas jumper design earlier this year. If at first glance you think it looks like just a regular Christmas jumper with a band logo on it, look again. Because nothing highlights the innocent joy of the Christmas spirit like fornicating reindeers. (It appears, regrettably, to be sold out at the moment)

A big bunch of toilet paper

This is one for of you who can find no greater pleasure than looking upon a joyful, hopeful and excited face and watch when those sentiments instantly crumbles in the face of cold realities. If you order a massive box of toilet paper on Amazon and wrap it in gift paper, you can watch the excitement build as the receiver perceives a big, hard box under the Christmas tree and the subsequent disappointment when the mundane nature of the present presents itself will hopefully give you enough negative energy to last until new year.

Then again, toilet paper is arguably a very useful present; it is always needed and having a massive stock will remove one of the greatest stressors of modern life, namely the fear of having sat oneself upon the porcelain and discover that there’s no paper left.

Bonus suggestion:

Check out last week’s editorial for a passionate appeal for why my newly established intellectual charity should be your source of this year’s Christmas presents.

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