Now that’s not a bad idea. I mean, I’d have just brought the guy home with me and deposited him on the doormat, but placing him under a car park is probably the next best thing. I know a few people who would merit that sort of approach.

I was away with the fairies this weekend. Literally, a load of them came down from the sky, picked me up and took me away to their magical world. I don’t remember much, but when I came to, I was lying on my sofa with three hundred cans of lager and a single prawn cracker all around me. Not sure what these fairies are trying to tell me. Maybe I should keep away from the catnip for a while.

So, what else has been in the news? Well, we’ve invaded Mali. Bloody apathetic country, I’ve got no sympathy whatsoever. I tried to sort it all out, but no, I have to go through the official channels. At that point I gave up and said sod it.

Oh, and the Scots have drawn up plans for independence. Optimistic and about bloody time – I was wondering if they were ever going to leave. They’re like that house guest that just won’t go – two days is fine: two hundred years is far too long.

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