The cat does it right

Apologies about last week, I was locked in the Swan and Three all night – entirely through no fault of my own, of course – and so was unable to access my typewriter. I brought this fact up with Rutherfuthereton the next day, it being on his instigation that we were in that establishment in the first place, only to have him laugh it off with a casual “Well, maybe they’ll print something of worth now.” The cheek of the man.

Anyway, it’s been a very busy week – I was up all Saturday night celebrating the conclusion of Lord Meldidrew’s critically-acclaimed play, “My Soul Lies In Harlaxton Manor”, in which I had a modest part. The audience loved us: their good-natured heckling can only be indicative of the high esteem in which they held us. In celebration, I drank so much gin throughout that last week that I lost both Sunday and Monday. Still, that is of no concern: after all, as my character, Baron Crittletittleton says: “when one has the gin, one has gin all the way.”

So, what’s been in the news? Ah, yes, Osborne wants us to help the poorer countries fight tax evasion. Very sensible, I… hoo-hah, wait, what!? I mean… wait, what!? George Gideon Oliver Osborne, Tory MP, Chancellor of the Exchequer, said WHAT!? I need to sit down. I am sitting down. But, but, we’re supposed to be cosying up to corporations like Starbucks and Vodafone, letting them run free like the chickens in my neighbour’s garden (easiest Sunday roast I’ve ever caught). We’ve been doing it for years. And now he has the cheek to tell someone else not to for their own good?

Right, I’m getting onto the phone to Brady right now: this would never have happened in my day, when good old fashioned Tory politics reigned supreme. Bonar Law would never have stood for this.

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