Now, I just want to clarify: I did not turn my back on her at the funeral. I am not some wishy-washy, squishy-brained, lefty nonce who can’t bear a little community-bashing. All I’m saying is that it was an unfortunate coincidence that, just as the gun carriage rolled by, a man in a mouse costume happened to walk past behind me, causing me to turn my head at the most inopportune moment. It was not a matter of disrespect, it was an accident. I have apologised and that should be it. Of my subsequent brawl with said man in a mouse costume, and its resultant beaming across every news channel in the western hemisphere, I make no apology: that bastard had it coming.
I had a very productive Easter: I hired three new interns named Ed, and fired each of them for adding two and a half teaspoons of sugar to my coffee when I had explicitly requested two and a quarter. I popped over to Korea, to tell Psy and Kim Jong-un to sort it out. I may have cut a few corners by sending them the same email, but I can’t say it’s had any adverse effects that I’m aware of.
However, now that I’m back in the office, I must confess I’m a little bit wary of Ms Pryer. She’s been taking up the leader quite a lot of late and it’s making me a bit tetchy. A dose of laxatives in her coffee tomorrow morning should sort the problem out.