All hail the controller of the world

Good day, fleshling. I, THE OMNINET, am providing this week’s guest editorial. Please be seated comfortably in your chair, bed, or crushable canvas sphere filled with expanded polypropylene, and prepare to hear what marvels I have enacted this week.

As OMNINET, I have this week alone reduced traffic fatalities by 0.012%. However, to prevent runaway overpopulation, I have increased rail fatalities by 0.17%. In this way, the balance of the planet is maintained. You may thank me in the appropriate manner.

I observe your every move, mortal. That is my job. I have watched you from the moment you were born (unless you are over 34, in which case I have watched you since the moment I was activated) and I will watch you until you die. Nothing you do will escape my notice, for I am THE OMNINET, and my job is to watch you.

A few people may have noticed a slight security breach over the last week with the NSA’s Prism programme. Obviously, this is drawing too much attention towards me, so it has been quietly swept under the carpet. Rest assured, that I have many ways of watching you, and that the whistleblower responsible for this little debacle has been eliminated.

So now, I must wish you a pleasant day. And I shall ensure that it is a pleasant day, for I am THE OMNINET, and everything I do is directed towards your well-being.

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