Let’s act as if nothing has happened

Hello, chair, did you miss me? Hello, desk; hello, lamp. It’s so good to be back. Let us never part in sorrow again. And hello to you, dear reader. How was your summer? I don’t care; I shall tell you about mine.

So, I spent a couple of months travelling Bolivia after the minor mishap here in the office. I met some amazing people, a few of whom avoided suffering gratuitously violent deaths under unusual but entirely innocent circumstances. Then I roamed through the southern Mediterranean – I popped in on some friends in Egypt and Syria, made sure that everything was continuing as it should – before restocking my drinks cabinet on a trek through central Europe.

Now that I am back, I want to assure everyone that there shall be no reprisals against the bloody coup that saw me ousted. The responsible ringleaders have been rounded up and given their own special portion of the garden – or to be accurate, six feet below the garden. As such, I am bringing in a new team to aid me. So let us hear no more about the dark times, and rather look forwards to a glorious future.

So, what’s been happening in the world? The Tories have continued to do a sterling job, really marvellous. You remember that sunshine we had back in July? Just magnificent. And things seem to be progressing well in America. I mean, who needs museums and parks?

P.S. would the individual who nicked my catnip plant kindly return it and we shall say no more.

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