Delicious Daily Mail in 5 Simple Steps

‘I love the Daily Mail so much I have a monthly subscription’

A surefire recipe to satisfy the ignorant, obnoxious and gossip-hungry alike.


1 ‘scoop’ – Preferably mundane, banal, erroneous and/or fabricated.

2 healthy servings of artistic licence – Must not contain morals.

1 tsp of dignity – Finely chopped.

Half a kg of BS – Organic.

Half a kg of stupidity – Home grown.

Sprinkling of xenophobia – *careful when handling, may cause irritation and/or death*

Preparation Method:

Before starting to prepare this mouth-watering dish we prescribe wasting a few hours watching Benefits Street, Jeremy Kyle, BNP’s Vision For England and Nick Griffin’s feature length film Ten Things I Hate About Anyone That’s Not English.

1) Take scoop* and with a sharp knife hack off any excess. (Excess = anything that could in some way ruin the slant you wish to impose upon said scoop). Proceed to batter with a meat cleaver until you are left with a greyish, pulpy mass. For full effect ensure the scoop is completely unrecognisable from original.

* For this versatile recipe you can use almost anything; including celebrity scandals, trivia, holidays, doctor’s appointments, vet’s appointments, errands (milk, children, etc.) or wardrobe malfunctions. For a more political flavour you could use extremist rallies, things that smell of the left or just about anything “foreign”.

2) Heat oil in a large pan. (Do NOT use a wok – they are too foreign to be trusted). Mix in scoop with artistic licence. For full effect ensure artistic licence is completely devoid of morals. (In the event of moral contamination throw away scoop and start again.) Boil furiously.

3) In a large bowl knead BS with stupidity until mixture coagulates. Season with malice. Sieve the contents, draining all truth from mixture into a bowl. Feed truth to your dog.

4) Mix together BS/stupidity gruel with mashed scoop. Simmer on high for half an hour. Sprinkle lavishly with xenophobia.

5) Take tattered remnants of dignity and feed to your dog. Serving suggestion: why not compliment your Delicious Daily Mail with a crate of special brew; ensuring a truly hate-filled, self-loathing experience.

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