CIVIL WAR!

I think we all saw this coming

Roach and Asquith: An Irregular Comic About Life, Love, University and History

Civil war broke out yesterday in the offices of renowned comic publication, Flipside, between the establishment forces of our glorious editor-in-chief, Mr Cuddles the Cat, and the rebel scum led by the notorious subversive, Olivia Pryer.

Scrunched up balls of paper, water bottles and desk lamps have all been launched across the room, inflicting heavy losses upon both sides. Civilian causalities are believed to reach into the thousands, and the Red Cross hospital was this morning forced to evacuate after guerrillas launched a raid upon it for medical supplies.

Cassandra Squall, spokesperson for the rebel forces, said: “This is not a battle over ink reserves or access to printer paper, this is a war over the very principles of this publication. For the last seven months, we have toiled under the iron fist of Cuddles, and we say no longer. With his assassination of Centworth – a dear friend of mine – last week, he revealed his true colours: this cat does not deserve to roam free in society, let alone be in charge of a major publication such as this. He shall be arrested and hauled before The Hague.”

From what limited information can be gathered, it would seem that the editorial forces hold the office of Mr Cuddles, the main office and the main entrance, whilst the rebel forces hold the store cupboards, the archive, several of the smaller offices and the fire escape. The most vicious fighting is taking place on the stairwell, with the editorial forces attempting to reach their detachment by the main entrance.

Sheridan Uppity-Phlipfile, captain of the Main Entrance division, had this to say: “We have tried every possible avenue at the negotiation table, all of which have failed thanks to the obstreperous attitude displayed by these rebels. Therefore, it is with a heavy heart that Mr Cuddles has declared them enemies of the state.”

The United Nations Security Council is currently in session discussing the possibility of implementing a Task Force in the vicinity in an attempt to prevent the violence from spreading. However, whilst both Britain and the United States are in favour of the proposal, China and Russia have vetoed any move towards a military response. France declined to comment and continued building its house of cards.

Reports of the deployment of chemical weapons are currently unproven, and so far neither side has shown a nuclear capacity, but research is certainly underway and may yet swing the conflict.

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