Cameron announces Britain to leave Earth

IRA demands to be left behind, as do the Scots, and the Welsh, and the North, and North London.

This week, Cameron announced that the United Kingdom would be seceding from the Earth, in a move described as being for the benefit of British taxpayers.

The plan involves strapping six thousand rocket engines to the underside of the UK and blasting it into the atmosphere, where it will thence orbit the Earth as a satellite. In doing so, Cameron says that the British taxpayer will experience an enormous reduction in the cost of living, no longer having to pay foreign powers for energy, food or international aid, as well as reducing the cost of border patrol to practically nil. The prime minister did point out that defence spending would remain at an all time high because a practical deterrent is needed to face whatever threats may be “out there”.

A furore of opposition from the constituent regions of the UK has met this announcement, which allegedly been kept under the tightest security. Scotland has already declared its intention to have an independent satellite, as has Wales, whilst nationalist Northern Irishmen are demanding they be left behind, calls which are being supported by Sinn Fein. Within England itself, many cities, such as Manchester, Liverpool, Sheffield and London, have declared their intention to “go it alone” when Westminster launches itself to the stars. Cameron has expressed no objections to these statements – urban areas are, after all, Labour heartlands.

Sources close to the prime minister described the proposal as being “still in its preliminary stages” but definitely on the agenda, as it will save the taxpayer so much money. Accusations that the new policy is a kneejerk reaction to pressure from right-wing backbenchers have been vehemently denied.

However, when commentators point out that no provision has been made for sealed domes or breathing apparatus to keep out the deadly space, the prime minister just smiles:

“It will save the taxpayer money.”

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