A Freshers’ guide

To put your mind at ease about matriculation

Ah, to be young and free. Within reason, as ‘free’ denotes freedom from sexually transmitted diseases, which I’m afraid are not uncommon in young, outgoing students (matures and wallflowers rejoice!). Despite all that, don’t be worried about joining DU, it’ll just be a small dip in the rollercoaster of life, unless you’re studying a science and go to a Bailey college – then it’ll be a steep plummet. But alas, I’ve retuned as a graduate writer to shine the light down the loop-the-loop tunnel for you to follow, as an agony-aunt-come-guru in any and all Durham University/First World problems (they’re interchangeable).

Rest easy in the notion that every variety of potato you consume from college was rescued (frozen and thawed to room temperature before cooking) from Jamie Oliver’s campaign to prevent chips from being served in schools circa ‘05. Guilt-free calories.

Think your green tongue means you have a bad case of Freshers’ flu? Don’t panic, you probably just got with someone from Chad’s.

The myth that you’ll fail your degree if you go up the cathedral tower is simply that, a myth. Throwing yourself off the tower is, however, incredibly likely to land you with failure.

Just succumb to initiation ceremonies, they’re based on traditional, ancient, Olympic events, so don’t question the morals or legalities of a social. Even if the theme is based on a rather controversial current affairs story, what’s a brush with the law if you’re accepted into the DURFC inner (probably naked) circle?

The acronym DUCK not making sense to you? It is a little known fact that the first charitable act of DUCK was to let a dyslexic person name the committee.

Attractive, male Freshers, afraid of sharkey graduates? Call me on my personal helpline: 04876543210. I’m free most nights…

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