A beginner’s guide: How to survive the Mayan Apocalypse

Run, run as fast as you can

Easy, next?!

Oh, you want more, do you? Fine!

So, this Friday, according to a dubious interpretation of the Mayan calendar, the world is going to end, or begin afresh, or something. Now, even though every scholar of Mayan civilisation is insisting that the world will not be consumed in fiery, watery, earthy, gassy, poisonous, painful (delete as applicable) doom, we thought it best to cover all bases and give you the lowdown on what to do just in case the worst should happen.

God won’t hear your prayers – he’s the one who is sending (or at least not stopping) the whole thing (omnipotent, remember), or else he’s on very good terms with the Mayan gods, so save your breath and start running.

Remember that loved ones only slow you down. Anything you have to carry, leave it behind: children (an extra mouth to feed), computers (where are you going to find a plug socket in post-apocalyptica?), your meticulously catalogued stamp collection going back to 1837 (actually, keep a hold of that: you deserve to be crushed by a meteor). None of these things will help you when that crack in the ground/river of lava/ravenous horde of locusts tries to consume you.

Don’t get on a plane. If disaster movies have taught us nothing else, it’s that the only reason things go up is so that they can come down very quickly again – don’t make the same mistake Mary McDonnell made.

Red paper circles are sure-fire protection against the end of the world. Just go to China, spend 97 on one, and hope the police don’t clamp down on your vendor whilst you’re in the room with him.

Rest easy in the knowledge that, even though the world around you is being plunged into a fiery abyss, at least no one will notice that you haven’t finished your Christmas shopping.

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