A beginner’s guide: How to survive Christmas shopping

Do you really wish it was Christmas everyday?

It’s that time of year again, when it’s acceptable to buy a hot chocolate with Irish coffee liqueur in it from the man on the market at 9am. But don’t indulge in too many tipples as you have a duty as one of Santa’s (Coca Cola’s) honorary elves to buy into Christmas consumerism. And let me tell you, it’s no walk in the park, predominantly because you can’t buy a lot in a park, best to go to your nearest department store…


Buy wrapping paper at the earliest opportunity possible. Use as a lightsaber if under the age of 110 and get your way to the front of that queue, you freak!

Cosmetics: Spray yourself with offensive perfumes such as Eau de D-list celebrity to ward off any competing shoppers.

Shoes and Handbags: Collect a silica gel sachet. Do not eat.


Womenswear: Easy size estimation, look for clothed mannequins that look like your gift recipients and take them to the till.

Lingerie: Re-enact Father Ted, of course.


Menswear: Tie, socks, box ticked!

Retail not so therapeutic? Take a break and pretend you’re a cashier by scanning all the items in your basket with the price checker machine.


Beds and Linen: Have a nap, you’ve earned it – keep an eye on the car park ticket, not because you might skip the time, some of them have McDonald’s coupons on the back.

It’s Christmas Eve and you’ve either followed the guide and successfully got your presents wrapped and under the tree, or you’re sat rifling through the box of unwanted gifts from last Christmas, trying to remember who sent you what so you don’t end up returning their gift to you.

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