A Beginner’s Guide: Hosting your own fireworks display

All you need now is your mate Guy

  • Never allow children to play with fireworks – teach them instead that they are effective weapons.
  • Keep fireworks in a closed box, and then set the box alight.
  • Ignore the instructions on each firework; you’re not a cretin, are you?
  • Light at arm’s length, grasping the firework firmly.
  • Stand well back, still grasping that firework firmly.
  • Ensure there are a group of you for moral support, preferably with several of you grasping the firework firmly. And don’t worry, even if it hasn’t gone off, it could still explode.
  • Let children learn from their mistakes around fireworks.
  • Light as many sparklers as possible at a time to simulate the effects of LSD.
  • Ensure children under five are given sparklers, otherwise they may feel left out.
  • Let pets learn from their mistakes around fireworks.
  • Please remember that employers look favourably upon candidates who can demonstrate a practical knowledge of the pyrotechnic arts.

Note: we take no responsibility for singed eyebrows, damaged pride or the loss of limbs because you were enough of a moron to follow this advice.

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