After a valiant effort in the Rugby World Cup, England’s almost-heroes are already looking to the next phase of their careers; tired of the press, they hope to turn to more pressing matters.
Jamie George, known for his powerful throws at the lineout, is rumoured to be at an advanced stage in negotiations with the PM regarding a campaign to scrap and replace the contentious proposals for a third runway at Heathrow Airport. George hopes to launch the planes himself and is confident he has the accuracy to avoid any obstacles. The move is proving popular with environmental experts who were concerned about the runway’s impact on the local wildlife, reassured by George’s friends who say the player is “fond of the local birds” and “almost always compliant with the World Health Organisation’s air pollution recommendations”. Nonetheless, critics from neighbouring countries doubt the straightness of his throws. As of yet, none of his teammates appears to have offered to catch the projectiles at their destination.
Following George into the transport sector, speedy Jonny May is set to provide piggybacks to London to rival the controversial HS2 train currently under development. Many attempts have been made to stop the sprinter, but Government officials are struggling to keep up. While seating aboard the May will be more limited than the larger capacity HS2 train, passengers can enjoy the breeze in their hair and the (not guaranteed) sunlight on their skin on their state-of-the-art sprinting shuttle. Claustrophobics were said to be particularly happy with the prospective transport, although, as with all of these things, there are some counter-arguments and agoraphobics will be staging a protest in a small room.
Farther north, England’s hulking front row is ready to make their stand should the Scottish National Party try to push hard for Indy Ref 2. Sources close to the party suggest the Scots are already quaking in their boots in light of this most recent development, and red-faced McInally is said to be preparing to go into hiding at a moment’s notice.
In a further political development, Owen Farrell has been enlisted on to the team negotiating a trade deal with the US. Although his business experience is limited, it is believed that Farrell will only be called on to kick Trump’s ideas into touch should he turn his unwanted attention to the NHS.
Mark Wilson has opted for a more ambitious moonlighting career pathway. He is said to be rehearsing for the short-term position of Angel of the North while the current statue takes a well-earned holiday. Friends of Wilson have questioned his prospects with one asking, “Angel? Have you seen him up close?” However, another was more optimistic, saying, “I can think of no better replacement for a massive heap of metal”.
Meanwhile, Courtney Lawes has been sighted loitering close to Felixstowe. When asked why he said he was hoping he could find gainful employment should a container crane break down.
In other news, Thomas Cook’s new owners have joined forces with Ambre Solaire to offer free sun cream and reduced price flights to South Africa. A spokesperson for the companies said, “Feel free to go to South Africa where the locals will rub it in”. Jumping on the bandwagon, Saxa, the popular spice vending company, have offered free salt for the wounds of Scotland fans. As it doesn’t come deep-fried, uptake of this offer is expected to be very limited.
Once again, the hopes of the nation and the PM’s advisors are pinned on the Roses, so we hope they are more successful in their altruistic adventures than they were today.