David Davis’ Weather Forecast*

The Bubble imagines how Brexit Secretary David Davis would predict the weather for this week

MONDAY

 

Clear skies. 30°C. Chance of rain: 0%.

 

The Met Office and BBC seem to think we’re in for a day of rain and thunderstorms. I say: stop talking down Brexit Britain. True patriotism is ignoring researched fact.

It’s always sunny in Brexitland.

 

TUESDAY

 

Cloudy. 17°C. Chance of rain: 100%   

 

            Perfect day for rain, as the Remoaners hold a rally in London. How do I know it’ll rain? Liam Fox says he found 350 million quid down the back of Boris’s sofa and decided to spend it all on cloud seeding, so that we can literally rain on their parade.

 

WEDNESDAY

 

Sunny spells. 19°C. Chance of rain: Strong and Stable

             

The PM told me it would be sunny and dry. To be fair, she does seem only to repeat this every day of the week. Robotic? Theresa? Never.

 

THURSDAY

 

No weather.

 

The Weather Gods offered us some mixed weather for Thursday, not as nice as Monday but still pleasant enough. I shoved it right back in their faces. ‘No weather is better than bad weather’, I shouted. British crops are superior and don’t need water.

 

FRIDAY

 

Mediterranean sun. 33°C. Chance of rain: 5%

 

By Friday, we’ll have left Europe, stuck an outboard on John O’Groats and sailed down to the Med for some sun. Take that Monsieur Barnier!

 

SATURDAY

 

You choose.

 

Come Saturday morning, our exiting of the EU will have made every Briton so rich that they’ll be able to afford to create a personalised micro-climate for each of their homes.

 

SUNDAY

God didn’t have to work Sundays.

 

 

*According to the Bubble

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