Having just announced a four-week lockdown after months of CoV-19 faff, Boris Johnson is growing more and more anxious as the anniversary of Guy Fawkes’ infamous (brilliant) plot approaches. It seems, according to sources, that he fears a repeat of the 1605 near-miss atrocity.
In parliament today, it was decided that there is to be a ban on the sale of all fireworks and explosives – in the interest of COVID safety, of course. While sparklers will still be available to buy, there is further rumour of matches and other fire lighters joining the list of banned goods. In response to the new regulations, the government have advised that the public simply “use their imagination” when using unlit sparklers, or better yet “bang a pan or something”, which they have deemed COVID safe. The Test and Trace app has similarly found new purpose, with Boris now able to monitor the whereabouts of all subjects at any given time, telling them to isolate if they come too close to any potential explosive suppliers.
The convenient timing of the new lockdown and Guy Fawkes night has also been thrown into question, with many concluding that it is no freak accident that the two coincide, and that basically – Boris is scared shitless. While the main man himself declined to comment, spokesperson Mr. C.U. Mings explained how “Boris didn’t want to take the risk; making it illegal for anyone to leave the house was therefore the safest option – nobody could crawl under parliament that way. He truly is the bravest man I know, and I respect his decision entirely”. It appears then that Boris finally has his excuse to avoid all members of the public, as well as the opportunity to evade taking any responsibility for the COVID crisis – which, of course, isn’t his fault.
However, it would seem that Boris doesn’t only feel threatened by the general public, with some sources claiming that he isn’t ruling out suspicion towards those in his own party. Such statements come after Saturday’s announcement of a lockdown 2.0, when reports emerged about controversy and divide within the Tory party concerning lockdown and Boris’s interesting handling of the COVID crisis. If even the emotionally void party think it’s high time to overthrow a certain blonde bimbo, then goodness knows of the revolt festering in the rest of the population.
What’s more, who can really blame Boris for taking such precautions? Having somehow managed to reduce the country to a chaotic bag of nerves in the span of mere months, he has every right to be scared. After thousands of deaths, millions of cases, botched furloughs, a crumbling NHS and countless hungry schoolchildren, it’s safe to say that much of the population are now looking longingly towards gunpowder and plot in the hope of a minor miracle, or, failing that, a saviour – preferably in the form of New Zealand’s Jacinda Ardern.
Featured image: Mark Christian on Flickr.