With new vaccines come fresh hordes of anti-vaxxers; bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and thirsty for misinformation. But what does it take to dedicate your life to such a worthy cause? If you too are tempted by the life of an anti-vaxxer, here’s what to expect.
Wake up and breathe in the sweet, sweet scent of self-righteousness.
Have breakfast while reading a reputable news source such as The Daily Mail, The Sun, or The Daily Express. Be sure to steer clear of sensationalist papers like The Guardian.
Go for a jog around the local park, keeping a distance of at least 2 meters in order to avoid any pro-vaxxer contamination, be this infectious or ideological.
After brushing up on your ever-growing omission bias, open up your laptop for the start of a long day’s work. First on today’s agenda is educating the masses via some trustworthy Facebook videos.
Despite being up mere minutes, your first Facebook post has already garnered a lot of attention. Much to your delight, someone has even called you a ‘dogmatist’ – and they’re right, you do love dogs.
After quickly thanking your new-found admirer, it turns out that ‘dogmatist’ does not mean dog-lover at all. It also transpires that ‘sophomaniac’ wasn’t meant as a compliment, either.
Pointedly irked by humanity’s ignorance and your less-than-successful educative endeavour, update your Instagram bio to ‘the only thing worse than a fool, is a fool who thinks themselves clever’. If only the rest of the world was as bright as you.
In dire need of a confidence boost, take off in search of climate change sceptics – they always make easy converts.
Sceptics sourced and confidence restored, you marvel at the sheer brilliance of humanity; not only did you gain several more anti-vax comrades, you also became enlightened on the climate con. Knowledge really is power.
Lunch. As an anti-vaxxer, not only is it important to fuel yourself physically, it is also vital to fuel yourself intellectually. On today’s menu are fictitious facts and chips.
This afternoon will be dedicated to self-improvement and research. Choose from a large selection of alarmist videos by JFK’s nephew or fraudulent studies by the likes of Andrew Wakefield.
Feeling intellectually-enriched, take to Twitter with your new-found sense of purpose and do your worst. If you’re in need of a little inspo, take a look at Donald’s twitter feed. Don’t be disheartened when you realise the account no longer exists; the quelling of truth is a frequent occurrence in your line of work.
Tea time. A long day of distorting medical reality, endangering lives and perpetuating a harmful narrative really does do wonders for the appetite, so be sure to fill your boots.
Family time. Tonight is game night and you’re spoilt for choice between Russian Roulette and Trivial Pursuit (Pseudoscience Edition).
Go to bed, happy in the knowledge that you’ve survived another day without becoming infected with immunity.
Featured image: NIAID on Flickr.