The Scary World Beyond University

All the ingredients you’ll need for a CV (experience and flair not included).

The time will come in every student’s life when they have to think about what happens next; what will they do after the three year postponement from real life that is your degree? It is at this point most of us will give in and start applying for internships and writing to companies trying to get something to put on our CV that might actually appeal. When writing your sixtieth letter you start to feel that this pretence is a waste of time. I have attempted to recreate one of these letters below:

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to inquire whether there are any summer internship openings at your company, please God let there be. I appreciate how busy you and your colleagues are and also how many requests such as mine you will receive. I also realise how similar each application will sound, and I am all the things you would expect; intelligent, hard-working and reliable just not in the mornings. I have an excellent attendance and punctuality record; blatantly a lie but you can’t blame me for trying can you?

I know you gain little from accepting internship candidates (except a slave to make your tea, do your filing and any other jobs you can’t be arsed to do yourself) but it would be an invaluable opportunity for me to learn more and ensure my chosen career path (I say chosen but really I don’t want a job at all, the money is attractive though) is right for me for which I would be most grateful to you.

Aside from my course I am also involved in both student theatre and media – not totally untrue…I went to see a play once… Never again though, it was dreadful. I am involved with my college’s sport team – darts is a sport right? I also try to immerse myself with college life as much as possible, in the bar every evening. I do not tell you this simply based on a whim; I believe it shows I am capable of both being a member of a team and being able to lead said team. I believe they show I am able to judge a situation for myself and act on those judgements and I believe they show that I do not just sit back and hope everything will be OK but work to attain my goals. GCSE Latin is really pulling through for me the tricolon must surely win you over.

As to my experience in a working environment I have much. The previous summer I worked as a zoo ranger (glorified cleaner) so I know what hard work feels like. – I never want to do it again; I was getting up at 6am every morning and went to bed at 8pm every night, I was so tired. If it hadn’t been for the size of my overdraft I would never have done it. I have also shadowed a high court judge and worked as an assistant to an accountant who both treated me like dirt.

Lastly I must thank you for reading this letter and apologise for taking up your time. I enclose my curriculum vitae and hope that I will hear from you in the future.

Yours tired, cramped, hungover, stressed, sincerely,

Matthew Robinson

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