Britain Without The Royals

How would we manage without them?

I’m the sort of person who would only buy a commemorative plate of the upcoming royal wedding in order to use it for clay pigeon shooting. The media is now drowning us in coverage of the wedding; ironically, by moaning about it I am adding to that, and I so have been doing some thinking about the royal family. I never considered myself a royalist until I realised how big an impact they’ve had on our country and on our lives. Below is a list explaining what might happen if we got rid of the royals, and the implications of that:

  • The monarch’s head wouldn’t appear on any stamps and coins. No more would you have to down a pint after being “pennied”, as you wouldn’t need to save the queen from drowning. This from my point of view would be a good thing, as the only downing contest I have won was against a 14 year old girl. Honestly.
  • There wouldn’t be a massive influx of tourists coming to London in order to try and catch a glimpse of the queen. This would be a massive blow to our economy and souvenir sales, since they couldn’t peddle any royalist crap. On the other hand, those “I ♥ London” t-shirts would do better…
  • Interestingly, the Queen is head of the Church of England. Although this was primarily set up by Henry VIII in order to get a divorce and sleep with another woman, religion in this country would change. I’m not sure how, but another popular figure whose views influence millions could replace her – like Rupert Murdoch. He arguably already does this by owning half the media outfits and hacking phones.
  • The Queen is obviously the head of state as well, meaning she can technically overrule Parliament. Although she never uses this power in practice, a government without a monarch would make David Cameron even more powerful. Very worrying indeed.
  • The armed forces are currently loyal to the Crown. The Royal Navy and Royal Air Force would have to change their names, and they would then presumably only be fighting for only half of “Queen and Country”. Their pledge of allegiance would have to be to another figure, someone they are willing to die for – Stephen Fry is quite popular, I’m sure he’s worth sacrificing lives abroad for.
  • The national anthem would have to change. No longer will we sing one brilliantly short verse of “God Save the King/Queen” when other national anthems go on for hours. Again, I am purely speculating here, but a good option for a replacement could be “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by Tight Fit. I am open to other suggestions, though.
  • Without a royal family, there wouldn’t be a group of people we could collectively laugh at and mock, except for the Osbournes. We wouldn’t get to laugh about Harry dressing up as a Nazi, and the Duke of Edinburgh’s remarks, rather than being controversial and unbecoming of a member of the royal family, would merely be the ramblings of an old man. Heat magazine needs these things to help it survive, and that is obviously crucial.
  • Businesses which stamp their product with “by royal appointment” would no longer be allowed to since there’d be no royals to buy it. They would have to market their overpriced produce in a different way.
  • The corgis in Buckingham Palace wouldn’t get looked after. Yet more pets to be given to the RSPCA animal shelter after being abandoned. And that means more of those sad adverts on TV which make people cry.
  • We wouldn’t get any more days off to mourn/celebrate royal events. Everyone enjoys slacking off work, and there would be fewer days to legitimately do it.

So there you have it, an extensive list of ways our lives would be affected by a removal of the monarchy. It is undeniable that it would change the makeup of Britain, and without an unelected monarch being head of state, our society would be closer to France… Hang on, I like my burka. Long live the Queen!

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