Fooling around alfresco

Look a little further afield when choosing
your next amorous location.

When you finally took that most exciting plunge into adulthood, and shared your sex face with another person for that first magical time, you probably thought it was the tits – if you’ll pardon the expression. Another human being has elected (we hope) to be alone in a bed with you; you are naked, they are also naked. This is amazing, this is the moment we’ve been waiting for since we found out Santa was a lie and boys don’t really have cooties. But over a matter of weeks and months, the feeling passes; missionary in a comfortable bed may begin to seem mundane. Perhaps you decide switch it up a bit; when you‘re catching up with what’s going on in the life of the Kardashians, your google toolbar now suggests ‘the karma sutra’, you’ve stretched your bra out of shape using it to tie your boyfriend’s wrists together… and you’re looking for an altogether more thrilling experience on a midsummer’s eve than doggy style and an unwelcome morning UTI. What you do at this point in the relationship – presuming this is your conventional monogamous relationship, otherwise find someone with a little more experience and a leather whip – is up to you, but I’d suggest taking your relations to an altogether less comfortable venue. The aspect of sex that we love that first time is the excitement of trying something completely new, so it’s only natural that we want to keep trying new exciting things to get that adrenaline high time and time again. Which is why so many of us decide to heave ourselves out of bed, and make “the beast with two backs” in a more public setting where we might be caught in the act (thank you Mr Shakespeare for that kind phrase).

The notion of having sex out of doors is an exciting one; but the idea of being caught may chill you to your very core, and leave you feeling less than aroused. Indeed besides the utter shame of being caught by your mum/brother/grandmother, you could be jailed for 6 months if you’re caught and someone complains, although the police are pretty lenient otherwise; but there are many places you can be a little bit naughty in relative safety. The first place to start is in your own back yard – if you have one; if you live alone and the neighbours aren’t too nosy, merely wait for a warm day and head outside to get down and dirty amongst the flowers. This might be a bit tame, but a good place to start. Next get yourself a set of wheels, drive somewhere secluded and steam up the windows – but remember to make sure you haven’t stumbled across a notorious dogging site first. Once you’re a pro at reclining the passenger seat it’s time for something a little more dangerous and expensive; book a romantic holiday to a beautiful city with landmarks aplenty and take each other for a picturesque night time walk. Have a candlelit dinner, a bottle of wine, then revisit your favourite landmark and find a secluded spot with a view, and… well you know what I’m talking about by now. A tip at this point – if Rome is your destination, don’t pick the Colosseum as your amorous location, there is literally nowhere you can’t be seen.

There are some settings that you should avoid at all costs; some because they are utter clichés, and others because they’re downright painful:

On the beach – the biggest cliché of them all although in theory it sounds downright amazing, but think about it, if sand can even get into your lovingly crafted sandwich just think where it could get if you were naked. Ouch. If you ask Cosmopolitan about sex on the beach they’ll suggest “lying face down with a beach ball under your pelvis while your partner lies over you”. How difficult would that be to explain if a family with kids suddenly appeared, “Don’t look darling, that is not how you play beach volleyball!”

On a boat – and by this I mean an unstable little rowing boat in which there are oars. Firstly, what do you do with the oars, and secondly, I have fallen out of every boat I’ve ever set foot on. Although in that case you could kill two birds with one stone and tick “having sex in a body of water” off your list.

In a field – people can see you!!! People walk their dogs, farmers check their crops, and don’t want unauthorised seed spread amongst their corn. Lumpy ground is inevitable in this location, as are insects, birds and hayfever.

This type of close encounter is undoubtedly more exciting when spontaneous, but things tend to be much less nerve racking and go more smoothly when you’re prepared. Don’t feel that you have to schedule your sojourn to the outdoors; but definitely discuss it with your partner and agree to do it sometime in the future. The next time you go out for a romantic walk in the countryside, think ahead and pack a picnic blanket in case you find the perfect spot. Dress for the occasion; this doesn’t necessarily mean going commando ladies, but leave your playsuit at home and at the very least wear an easily accessible skirt – forget the tights. If you’ve planned ahead and you know exactly why you’re heading to the deserted glade in the forest, the journey there can be just as exciting as the sex, and if you keep it flirtatious and exciting you’ll be too busy ripping each other’s clothes off to be frightened about being caught and more likely to perform to the best of your abilities – if you catch my drift.

If alfresco loving is still on your list of things to do before you’re 30, just follow my simple rule book and I can guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

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