What to do if you’re Single and Hate Everybody this Valentine’s Day

No.

It’s the favourite holiday of the year for card and naff present companies: pink and red (and grey, for this year especially) teddy bears are lounging in shops holding flowers and hearts and all other kinds of vomit inducing things that are essentially the plushy version of drinking sour milk. Couples have got their days planned, their restaurants booked, their sheets cleaned and ready for the big night. And then there’s the rest of us, who go to Klute to try and distract ourselves from being totally alone in the world with no one to love us. Although if you do go to Klute, someone might poo on the dance floor again which I can confirm will divert your attention away from the night of misery/ill-advised hook-ups.

So what can you do if you’re single and hate everybody? Flipside have done some investigation and have provided you with several options:

1. Sit alone and cry in the dark

PROS: You don’t have to see anyone and make contact with anyone.

CONS: You will be crying alone in the dark.

2. Get drunk alone in the dark.

PROS: You get drunk yay.

CONS: No one will be there to sing Beyoncé with. Criminal.

3. Go out with your other great single friends

PROS: You aren’t alone and you might have a bit of fun…

CONS: You might have a bit of fun with another single friend and have to deal with a whole load of poo on Sunday (emotional drama poo, not Klute poo).

4. Do your formative/summative/diss.

PROS: You will maybe write 400 words.

CONS: It’s pretty much all cons, here. You will be working. No one likes working.

5. Get Tinder

PROS: You might find the love of your life.

CONS: You probably won’t.

6. Catch up on Broadchurch.

PROS: Really good episode this week – also Olivia Coleman

CONS: Even the maybe murderer is getting laid.

7. Have one of those weird parties where you get together with other single people and then talk about how great it is to be single when actually you know you all hate it

PROS: There aren’t really any pros here either – you might feel like you’re on a tragic TV sitcom.

CONS: You’ll all know how lonely and pathetic you are and will eventually realise that your pretense will fail; at this point, you’ll probably cry.

8. Watch the England vs. Italy Six Nations Game.

PROS: England might actually win because it’s not football – also Rugby thighs…

CONS: You won’t be at Twickenham like me, ha.

There you go: 8 options, take your pick, take some vodka, get through the torturous 24 hours, and remember that half of all marriages end in divorce.

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