Two Ways To Fend Off A Mugger

Do not under any circumstance attempt to enact either of these idiotic ideas. They’re stupid and you will get hurt

I’ve always been very lucky in the sense that I’ve never been mugged. Touch wood. I’m not sure how I’ve successfully avoided being mugged throughout my life. Maybe it’s because I go to the ‘second most crime-free’ university in England. Or perhaps it’s because at home I live in a village where the biggest drama of the past decade was when 5 kangaroos escaped from the local farm park. Also my country-bumpkin-ish fear of big cities and people means I’m usually pretty good at avoiding big cities and people – especially at night.

So it is from this position of complete ignorance that I have devised 2 potential strategies to fend off a mugger were the situation to arise.

1) Animal Attack

The general idea is that you get in the zone (what zone this is I cannot tell you) and embrace your inner animal. I was actually once told that this method genuinely worked for someone who was surrounded by a group of intimidating hoodlums. Apparently the soon-to-be victim dropped down onto his haunches, cleared his throat and began croaking like a frog. The gang of ruffians were so perturbed by this act of complete weirdness that they freaked out and left the strange frogman alone. If I were to adopt this I think the animal I’d go for would probably be a baby dinosaur, mainly because I can do a pretty mean baby dinosaur impression. But the choice of animal is completely up to you. Other potentials could be an elephant, a cat or a blobfish.

Positive: If this works you not only escape unharmed, with all your valuables still on you, but the pure thrill of seeing a group of would-be muggers scampering away as you squeal like pterodactyl would be unrivalled.

Negative: If this backfires you run the risk of horrible injury and mugging combined with loosing any shred of dignity and self-respect.

2) The Knights Tale

I hope you’ve all seen that bit in ‘A Knights Tale’ (a phenomenal film might I say) where the hero that is William, played by Heath Ledger, defeats his arch nemesis in an epic final joust – wearing no armour! As he smashes Count Ademar (the baddie) off his horse Heath bellows out ‘WILLLLIIIIIAAAAAMMM!!!’, in a burst of unaltered testosterone-driven badass.

My proposed idea works along the same lines, but instead of a horse you have your legs and instead a lance you have your straightened arm. If you find yourself faced by a mean looking mugger, simply raise your straightened arm up and with a look of pure menace sprint at the mugger. For the full effect you should probably bellow your name. If your name is not suitable/too lame to be bellowed then replace it with your best friend’s name, your pet’s name or even your Mum’s name. Whatever works.

Positive: If this works you will go down in the annals of the most hard core street crime stories of all time. You’d be up there with Batman. Imagine the adrenaline you’d feel coursing through your veins as you strode off triumphantly having flattened some oike whilst shouting your/your pet’s/your mate’s/your Mum’s name.

Negative: If this doesn’t work, not only will you probably bruise your wrist; but the humiliation of lying at the feet of your assailant, having just tried to long-arm him to the ground whilst shouting ‘Margaret’, would be too much to bear.

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