The Top Five Ways to REALLY Piss People Off in the Library

If I can’t work then nobody can.

1) Sniffing – A timeless favourite for people intent on sabotaging their fellow library goers library going experience. A well-timed sniff, though seemingly innocuous, has the ability to slowly bore a burning hole of seething anger into even the Dalai Lama’s thought processes. As with most things in life this trick depends on quality not quantity. If you really want to rile all those around you aim to sniff roughly every minute. I say ‘roughly’ as the slight irregularity in timing is where the real skill lies.

N.B. Sniffing may be replaced or ever supported by heavy breathing, yawning or coughing.

2) Whispering – Of course whispering need hardly be mentioned as the hiss of angry librarians around the world, enforcing the ‘Silence at all times’ rule, exemplifies just how seriously this technique is taken. For maximum effect really pull out those ‘s’ soundsss giving thossse around you no essscape from your menial, pointless and utterly selfisssh conversssation.

If you want to take your piss-off propensity to the next level ensure that all around you are made aware of your conversations complete lack of any vague relevance to work. I.E. conversation topics of mind-numbing banality. Good examples of this include the most recent Made in Chelsea, who got with who last night or how utterly and hilariously hung-over you are

3) Monopolizing the IT room – If you’re feeling particularly malevolent try ensuring you are the first person into the library. Then proceed to log-on to every computer humanly possible. Then leave a note on every single screen denoting where you’ve gone, how long for and how thankful you are to anyone not logging you off. For example ‘Please do not log me off. Gone for a cheese sandwich. Will be back in 5. Thank you so much.’ The deal clincher is the ‘thank you so much’; it preys on the weaklings who are governed by ‘morals’ and other such trifles.

4) Reading aloud – If you feel like you’ve taken the whispering thing as far is you can and your enjoyment of it is starting to wear a little thin then this little puppy may tickle your fancy. Find a book which you deem suitably weird, wonderful and obscure (something along the lines of ‘The Beginners Guide to Professional Scrapbooking’ would be ideal). Find a relatively open, well-populated space. Assume a comfortable nonchalant posture, if possible one that oozes confidence and pomposity. Clear your throat and in the Queen’s finest English bellow ‘The Beginners Guide To Scrapbooking’ with passion and ardour. Ensure your diction is perfect so no-one misses a thing.

5) The Ultimate – if your seeking the ultimate in aggravating activity. WARNING: I am in no way encouraging anyone to do this or condoning its enactment. I definitely wouldn’t do it. It’s really quite mean.

Take a book which you know will be read soon. It therefore probably shouldn’t have anything to do with scrapbooking. Rip out the last twenty pages or so. In their place stick a photo of you, two thumbs up, sporting an ear-to-ear grin of self-satisfied glee. If you really want to rub salt into the wound a small caption along the lines of ‘The [inset bad guys name] dies. The [insert good guys name] gets the [insert love interests name]. They all live happily every after’. The cherry on the top of this cake of anger inducing tomfoolery would a parting line of ‘I just saved you ten minutes of your life. YOU’RE WELCOME’.

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