The Real Parliamentary Candidate Interview…

Below follows a fictitious conversation between a reporter, Geoff, and a parliamentary candidate. It is based on true events.

Q: How are you?

A: Well, I think the question here is not how I am but how the other party has made me be for the last 13 years. I mean, really, we should look closely at the issue of how I am and ensure to make it better, stronger, more efficient and tastier. Let us first define ‘how’… is it the measure provided by the Institute for Fiscal Studies which favours our economic plan, or is it what it means to the ordinary working family? I ask you, the British people, to consider how you are, how you want to be, and whether or not you like my tie. I believe Churchill once said, ‘how are you, Germany?’ and look how that ended. Let us ask Putin how he is. Let us ask ourselves how we are. So, to put it simply, I am fine thank you, how are you?

Q: (Confused). So, how do you think your campaigning has gone? Have you got through to the voters?

A: How it has NOT gone, sir, is badly or well. We’re on the path, a rather rosy one, to securing seats across this great land and the prospect of a Tory-Labour-Lib Dem-SNP-Green-UKIP coalition is looking really promising. Our priorities are, as always, modest and right for the working family (whispers to aide, ‘what and who even is a working family? They are getting a lot of stuff this time round’). Firstly, we want to reshape the moon to closely resemble the face of former Mr Speaker John Bercow, craters n’ all. We also want to reconquer America in order to make the most of their crop circles and jerk chicken. And, crucially, we will strive to set up an EBay account for the NHS, Trident, education and tax credits. And spend practically nothing. But, and here is the best part, loads at the same time. We’ll indirectly cut direct taxes whilst directly increasing indirect taxation to become direct taxation but indirectly carried out. Get it? Clever, eh. I think our message is clear. Listen to Russell Brand, he’s got it.

Q: (incensed) Final question, then, and I want a one-word answer please. Who is going to win?

A: Ah I see what you’re trying to do there, imposing your political bias on this interview. Well, I won’t be stumped, no thank you Geoff. The question here, the choice, the simple fact is that we have absolutely no idea what is going to happen. If I say random words and implement our ‘Brilliant Opposition Lesson Learning to Oversee Change by Kicking Scum’ (aka BOLLOCKS) plan, then I will be sure to convert 43 people to our party. Tax, nurses, doctors, children, future, prosperity, choice, party of the people, these are all words that I should be saying in a convincing and forceful manner. Only on this level can I communicate with the widespread idiocy of the general public.

The last part of the interview was later cut and redacted to read ‘I’m sorry, I have to leave… this burrito is giving me chronic heartburn’. Our sources tell us the real reason is that the answer was too close to ‘The Truth’, which, of course, the general public are not to be trusted with.

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