“Students not enjoying themselves enough, need to get out more”

—Durham Constabulary

A new initiative aiming to reduce levels of boredom among the university undergraduates is to be introduced in a joint effort between Durham University and the local police force.

The scheme will see college bars and other venues forced into asking for identification more often, and reducing customers’ ability to purchase alcohol in bulk, in the hope of making alternatives such as purchasing cheaper booze and drinking at home more popular.

“Simply put, students aren’t drinking enough,” said Chief Agency Executive George Green.” We’re really concerned about the welfare of a worryingly large proportion of the student population – a survey has revealed that up to 7% have not drunk since beginning their time at university.” He went on to explain that while this was the lowest recorded since 1983, it remained a shamefully high figure, with over a fourteenth of all students missing out on “the key aspect of college life”.

“Just imagine what that suggests, there’s got to be another 10 or 15 per cent of students who’ve never thrown up in a public place, been at risk of hospitalisation or even brawled outside a nightclub.” The commanding officer of nearly one and a half thousand junior officers also expressed concern that the future leaders of a country were in the process of going through their academic studies without such character-shaping experiences.

Professor Jim Lahey, Vice Chancellor of the university, is said to be fully in favour of the reform and has been quoted as questioning the moral character of someone who isn’t “on the lash a good three to four times a week”. He has also suggested that students should explore alternatives to alcohol: “There’s a great guy over in Gilesgate for a little sniff, if you know what I mean.”

When asked whether they thought the reforms went far enough, police officials admitted they would consider advising college bars to turn away patrons who weren’t already inebriated enough, and are in the process of investigating the possibility of opening a free public house outside the central Tesco – “Just to make sure everyone’s on a level.”

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