Nightline “will not take any more calls about Oxbridge”

Service “inundated as well as flooded”

Days after it was first advertised to new students, the university’s telephone listening service has been brought to a standstill by freshers unable to overcome the disappointment of not being at Oxbridge.

In order to relieve the pressure on its volunteers, Nightline yesterday emailed the Welfare teams at all 16 colleges asking them to do more to raise awareness and encourage discussion of the problem by organising workshops and stalls. Going even further, welfare officers are advised not to have any blu-tack on their walls because ‘the colour’s associations can trigger unhappy thoughts.’

One Oxford reject, found moping along the Bailey staring at the cobblestones, articulated the feeling: “Well every male in my family has gone to Brasenose since the French Revolution, so you do feel a large sense of worthlessness being at Durham, yah. I didn’t even get into Castle. I saw the ad for Nightline in an e-mail and you know, one night when I’d finished stalking the chums fooling in front of the Bod on facebook, I thought I’d give them a try.”

Nightline grants that Oxbridge fomo is a legitimate source of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem, but asks callers to consider other sources of comfort before burdening the service. “For example, you could join the DUS.”

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