M3–0

A Planet of Marxist Cats

The planet M3–0 (those in the know call it “meow”) is the only planet in the universe whose inhabitants live in perfect harmony. However, many, many years ago this state of bliss was interrupted.

“What,” you ask, “could have disrupted the unity of the famous M3–0?!”

The answer is simple: the introduction of the human.

For those of you ignorant of the geography of outer space, the planet M3–0 is a ball of pink fluff on which lives a community of Marxist cats. These cats love nothing better than to sit around one of the cream-springs debating communist theory – they like to think sipping from these pearly founts is symbolic of them drinking in the knowledge of the great Marx. (Kat Marx that is…who even is this “Karl” man all of you humans talk of?)

Anyway, the cats were all very happy and content; no stealing, murdering or general meanness went on. Food was bountiful, purring was widespread. BUT a bunch of humans came along in a shiny metal pointy thing and, mere seconds after landing on M3–0, decided to change everything. The humans were only there because they’d set about ruining their planet with a black sticky sludge called “oil” but, for reasons best known to themselves, they decided they should be in charge of this “new” planet.

Common human quote from this period in history;

“These cats can’t possibly be sophisticated to understand the nuances of governing a planet all by themselves – they don’t even have any weapons to defend themselves! This planet is ours for the taking!”

So, the humans set about destroying M3–0’s beautiful downy pink countryside, draining off the bottomless lakes of cream and constructing strange stone buildings EVERYWHERE. They rounded the cats up, assigned them names like “Fluffy” and “Snuggles” and a whole other manner of silly things, and forced the cats to live with them in their boxy stone buildings. They made the cats eat grey slop from a tin. The cats did not like this. They felt their spirits being weakened by the claustrophobic existence with these humans; they were forbidden from going outside to hunt or play or even communicate with one another in CatSpeak! It seemed like the very essence of what it was to be a cat, an inhabitant of M3–0, and equal amongst equals was no more.

However, all of a sudden something very funny occurred. The humans all took mysteriously ill. Not a single one of them could refrain from atchoo-ing for more than 7.5 seconds and their bodies became covered in a rash of red lumps as big as ant hills! The cats, though much weakened, took this as the time to strike. Every cat in every household took it upon themselves to creep into the bedrooms where the humans were enclosing themselves for the duration of their convalescence and, in a flash, jumped upon the humans, wrapping them up in their bed sheets, rolling them out of their beds and out of their front doors, across their gardens and finally into the shiny metal pointy thing they came in. The cats locked the humans inside and after a collective nod that signalled that they knew what was next, all of the cats ran at the big pointy shiny thing. The force from this propelled the big pointy shiny thing back into the stratosphere and back where it came from.

When all the humans finally woke up from what turned out to be a particularly nasty reaction to a dodgy batch of catnip, they took stock of the situation and came to the conclusion that maybe they’d underestimated cats.

Back on M3–0 the cats set to dismantling the humans’ ugly stuff and, over a couple of generations, grew back all of the beautiful flora and fauna destroyed by the humans. The only difference today to before the human invasion is that M3–0 now has a big KEEP OUT sign for any passing pointy shiny things to see.

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