London’s most influential people

As told by a Russian oligarch

This September, an insightful new report released by the Evening Standard has, for another year, put many people’s mind to rest as it answers that infamous question; who are London’s most influential people? This question, asked countless times a day across England and apparently even once in Scotland, has again received its annual definitive answer.

Based on hard cold facts, rigorous science and a sprinkling of speculation, the list of the thousand most influential people in London always casts the final word.

Of course people of high esteem and authority such as Bernard Hogan-Howe (the Metropolitan Police Commissioner) and the Queen would feature in the top twenty. And it is unsurprising that the A-listers of the political world would make an appearance – Johnson, Cameron, Osborne, Miliband. Although quite how Johnson has ended up above the PM is a little confusing; last time I checked, it was fairly difficult to surpass the PM in authority in Britain.

Of course Harry Styles is on there: influencing thousands of 12 year old girls to faint and scream and flutter their hands about their face maniacally on a daily basis is quite comparable to the reception Cameron seems to be getting from the country in response to his work. Andy Murray is a slightly surprising inclusion, but as the old saying goes ‘He who holds a tennis racket, holds power’. But the real surprise came in at number one. In fact, it was so unexpected that, were it not for my complete faith in the Evening Standard’s data collection methods, I would be inclined to question it. Prince George, a tiny dribbling baby who spends the majority of his days looking up at royal ceilings, apparently holds more influence in London than the Home Secretary, both its uncles and the Governor of the Bank of England. It is shocking but unquestionable result.

Thank you, Evening Standard, for helping to amend such formerly held incorrect notions as ‘The banks have no influence over us and cannot put the entire world into a financial crisis’ or ‘A baby still incapable of speech cannot have more influence in our capital city than its mayor’.

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