Interview with a Halloween Serial Killer

Just doing his bit for the community

So, Mr Serial Killer…

Please, call me Hal.

All right, so, Hal, could you tell me a bit about what you do?

Well, it’s quite simple really: every Halloween, I pick a group of teenagers, preferably in some isolated small American town, and I hunt them ruthlessly until all but one of them is dead.

I see, and how long have you been participating in this activity?

Oh, we’re coming up to the thirteenth year now. I tell you, it’s not easy, having to keep a low profile about town, but I manage. I took a brief stint out on the road, but it’s not as fun waiting for them to come to you.

Uh huh, and why made you take up this… hobby?

I think of it more as a tradition. In my family, we used to make a big deal out of Halloween. You know, the whole shebang: pumpkin, trick-or-treating, apple bobbing, pagan rituals, child sacrifices, that sort of thing. I did the same for my kids but, as they grow up, they lose interest in the childish stuff: the magic of Halloween goes, so I thought I’d try to keep it fresh, shake it up a bit.

So you killed people?

Exactly! Nothing livens the night up more than a serial killer in the news. Boy, you should have seen them: their faces when I said we were going out trick-or-treating! Woo, my youngest didn’t leave the house for months. It’s just a shame I couldn’t tell them it was me: that would have ruined the surprise.

And you’ve been doing that ever since?

Yeah. It’s not so much about my kids – they’ve moved away and got children of their own – but I keep it up for the sake of the community. There’s almost an expectation now that someone will get murdered. I tell you, a couple of years ago, the pressure was getting so great, I contemplated giving it up. I couldn’t do that to the local kids though, they would have been crushed. It’s still there though, the pressure; I contemplate retiring, handing it over to someone younger. I’m getting old and I can’t keep running around after these spry young things. I’ve tried advertising in the local papers, but I haven’t found anyone interested yet.

So, how do you relax from the stress?

It’s not that difficult. My wife’s very supportive of the whole activity – she’s my pillar of strength – but in the end, I do what I enjoy: bowling, gardening, lying in a hammock with a beer on my gut. When the mask’s off, I’m just a regular bloke, same as anyone. I think that’s the reassuring thing: I’m just like you, except I’ve got a massive scythe in my garden shed.

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